N.B. Now updated with mostly correct spelling; I really should stop dictating these things but finding the time to write it myself! Anyway, read on with, hopefully, correct spelling...

A Brief History
Welcome back dear readers for another installment of this indispensable guide to Homosexual Happiness in the Home. We are now well underway on our journey through the wonderful world of queer housekeeping and I hope you are enjoying our time together. If not, as I have previously said, you are probably a slob therefore should close the browser on your cheap computer, switch it off, put on a velour tracksuit and hang out by a bus stop with other kindred spirits.

Now for those of you with true potential I feel I should share with you a bit about myself so you can understand where I came from and what motivates me in the home. I have had much the same asked by several eager readers so now I will share all with you. Dear readers, I was born in Windsor where I grew up in a charming little English hamlet named, Little Dimsbottom. It was while at secondary school in Home Economics classes under the fine tutelage of the veritable Mrs Dinney that I became interested in domesticity. I was a wiz with budgeting for the home, darning socks came easily, I could make a pinney blindfolded (an apron for my American readers) and could whip up a nutritionally balanced yet tasty meal for a family of four in a matter of minutes. My mother was on a permanent holiday in her own home and by the time I was 15 I didn’t even need recipe books – I was writing them. Where do you think Jamie Oliver got his inspiration? Me behind a bike shed – that’s where; and we all know how the gay housewife feels about him!

Anyway, showing early promise I was chosen to attend the “Conservatoire pour la Maison Homosexuelle”*, a queer finishing school in San Francisco. It was there in the view of the Golden Gate’s massive span I honed my skills as a host, studying every thing from embroidery to scrap booking to cuisines of the world. My crowning achievement was, at only 18 years of age, throwing a lavish dinner party for 250 Naval Officers on shore leave. Yes, at that tender age my skills were stretched, but the throbbing round of applause I received at the end of the night showed me my destiny was as a host in my own perfect homosexual home.

However, at this point I was not ready to be married and settle down. Although my already massive experience as a host was no small achievement I still felt rough around the edges, however I was soon to find my polish. While holidaying in the South of France with my parents the summer after graduating with honors and decorations from Conservatoire pour la Maison Homosexuelle we visited my “single” uncle, Tristan’s chateau, beautifully named, Le Grand Bite. It was here I first truly saw perfect homosexual domesticity; his interior decoration was sublime, the chateau’s grounds were kept in excellent condition, his cooking was exceptional and he managed the help with a firm but fair hand. It was while sipping a fine Veuve Clicquot on his terrace overlooking the grandeur of the Alps he happened to mention his “friend”, who lived with him, was establishing a degree course in Homosexual Housekeeping at Cambridge University, commencing in October the following year. At once I knew this was the only course for me and I would be its star pupil.

After taking a gap year helping those suffering from scrap booking and needle work disasters I commenced my studies at Peterhouse College, Cambridge, under the watchful eye of, evidently, my uncles partner, the wonderful Harry McBurney. Here I was able to experiment with all areas of homemaking with absolute freedom to both succeed and fail; it was bliss. Sometime during the spring of my second year we were lucky enough to have a guest lecture from the renowned homemaker and philanthropist Edwin DuPrez. The title of his speech was “Healing through Homemaking”, he had done a great deal of research on the regenerative powers running a good home can have on the individual, with particular reference to those who lived in Hull. He had successfully used devices such as hosting dinner parties, cake decorating and antiquing to rehabilitate over 14 gay men from Hull. To this day they are all running happy homes in London – some of them were even Chavs. To say I was inspired by his work is an understatement; DuPrez showed me my profession was not something solely for the benefit of the gay family unit, but society as a whole. I took this new approach to the heart of my work, which resulted in “Chavs – causes and potential remedies using homemaking as a cure”, my prize-winning thesis. This helped me achieve a double first and, unsurprisingly, come out top of my class.

It was only natural that I should go on to do my MHomoEc with such a success at an undergraduate level. I continued Du Prez’s healing through homemaking approach to my studies with “When Functionality fails in the Kitchen and it’s effect on the mind of the gay housewife” as my MHomoEc research topic and achieved a similar success to my undergrad dissertation. It was also during this year I met my now husband, William Haughton Riess Bullock, at the time an Economics’ MEc student. He was a benefactor of “Bake Sales for Justice”, a society I ran at Peterhouse and through that association he came to one of my many fabulous dinner parties thrown in aid of the poor. Bing a proper gentleman he called on my rooms a few days later to thank me for my hospitality so I invited him in for a cup of coffee. We hit it off over my divine home roast Columbian and Robusta blend, and well, the rest is history.

After completing my MHomoEc I wanted nothing more than to make a home with William but I also wanted to bring my studies to their final conclusion, in the form of a Phd, yes my dears, I wanted to be a doctor of Homo Economics. I was fortunate enough to be able to kill two birds with one stone when Lloyds of London sought William out for a top job in the city. This provided an ideal opportunity. “Perfect Homosexual Domesticity for the Gay Housewife”, my Phd, could now be fully researched and written for William now had the means for us to set up a magnificent first home, in which I could conduct my research. Yes my dears, that Phd research is the basis for this guide you are now reading.

Sadly William and I are not in our wonderful first home any more. However, we sold at a profit and moved for William to be closer to his work and for me to be closer to the resources every gay housewife needs i.e. Harrods, Waitrose and Spa’s. We now live in a thoroughly modern 3-floor loft conversion in Shorditch, taking occasional weekend breaks to our cottage in Devon. So there we have it dear readers, me and my life. I hope you have enjoyed reading about my truly blessed life. Remember, you to can live like I do simply by following my handy hints. If you have any questions or tips please feel free to get in touch via MySpace or email

Next time: Location, location, location; where to locate your perfect gay home.

*any good housewife speaks French so I will not translate – I suggest an evening course if your linguistic skills are lacking.

Hero’s and Villains of the Gay Housewife
Dear readers, something everyone has in their lives are hero’s and villains, those who inspire us and those who drive us up the wall; the gay housewife is no exception to this, for you yourself should be a hero in others eyes, setting an example to the world of how to achieve and maintain perfect homosexual domesticity. When growing up we all had our role models and as we have got older they have grown with us. Many of the men and women below I have admired since they first appeard in the public conscious and others are more recent additions. I have also decided to add marital objects to this list as these are certain things we aspire to own or have committed our lives to destroying.

It was while watching my rather attractive Polish gardener, Fattieb, trimming my privot, that my good friends Pearl Latrine; the renowned designer, Tibby Boulét; artist and print maker, Lola Lamonde; Pulitzer winning writer and I came up the with following list of the Hero’s and Villains of not only the gay housewife, but all housewives the world over.

Hero's

Delia Smith - I am quite a fan of this lady. I have already recommended her books, but it is what she has done for food in the United Kingdom that I really admire her for. She picked up the gauntlet of good food from where the dearly departed Fanny Cradock left it. She has taught us to do everything from simply boiling an egg to preparing a middle-eastern feast for 20, and in the process netted herself millions and bought a football team. She is the Martha Stewart of the British lies, but without the scandal!

James Martin - Saturday Kitchen, BBC1 - Food Porn. Need I say more. (My American readers should got to the BBC’s rather good web site for more information)

Nigella Lawson – She has made cooking sexy again. Delia, bless her, is too much like your mum to make food truly sexy, but our Nigella is a bit of a treacle tart, never afraid to disguise her ample wrack and all those close up of her putting chocolate laden spoons into her mouth – need I say more.

Nigel Slater - He has turned food writing into a new form of pornography!

Bree Van De Kamp - While not real we can all aspire to her orderly house keeping, conservative yet exquisite decorating and remarkable collection twin sets. Recent research has shown she may own more twin sets than our own Queen Elizabeth.

Lynette Scavo - The only other Desperate house wife to make the cut. She manages a hectic life both at home and at work but still looks fabulous in a little black dress and once she gets rid of those kids I am sure her house will become a palace.

Ruth Fisher - Again, not real but her furious sense of order and rigorous tidying skills make her true idol of the housewife.

Fern Britain - Expertly filling Judy’s shoes to keep this morning the treat it is. N.b. please ignore any stylistic advice the program gives you unless you live in Hull.

Martha Stewart - Illicit share dealing aside - she brought the idea of the modern housewife to millions and made millions doing it. Truly a sister doing it for herself.

Edith Bowman - While she has no house keeping skills I know of, her radio show is the perfect thing to get you through a heavenly afternoon of ironing or preparing dinner for 20.

Demons

Anthea Turner - Has recently presented a program about how to be a perfect housewife - how - fucking – dare - she! And it’s on BBC3! Talk about career suicide!

Chavs - Does anyone really need to ware all that man made fiber?
Wheely shopping bags - Don't you have someone to do that for you?

Laurence Llewllyn Bowen - Has anyone done more harm to the queer cause without actually being gay? Not only has he ruined the idea of good interior decoration by making common people think they can have nice homes but he flounces around like the faggiest of fags. BBC - please stop this nonsense.

Graham Norton - Ruined many a young queers sense of style with his collection of vile suits and sets that looked like a branch of Habitat vomited in a television studio. Shame - he used to be funny.

Economy Lines in Supermarkets - Why eat cheese when you can have a lump of plastic for 20p less? And just because the product is cheap provides no excuse for poor product design.

Jamie Oliver - Aside from being a fat lipped mockney cunt, he's conned millions of crap cooks into believing they can easily prepare a fabulous meal for 10! I don't think so. Oh, and that wife of his – lips!

Ready meals - The is no excuse for subject you and your man to such cuisine. If you know you are not going to have time to cook, prepare something the night before or go to a fucking restaurant. There is no excuse for eating plastic food from plastic with plastic cutlery.

Economy Airlines - Yes, I wanted to use Luton Airport (shit shopping) and treated like Veal Calf on a Boeing 737 and covered in puke while drinking Vodka shots that come out of plastic sachets! And don’t even go into toilets unless you are shagging one of the many Chav’s who frequent these airlines. Please be a gentleman and use British Airways.

So boy’s there we have it; the hero’s and villains of the gay housewife. For easy reference I suggest printing this list and sticking it to the notice board in the kitchen. It will provide a constant source of inspiration and a cautionary restraint should you find yourself slipping from hero to villain. As ever I am always keen to hear what my readers think so if you have any further people, items or places you feel should be added to this list please get in touch via MySpaceor email. Until next time dear readers, happy homemaking.

Next Time: A brief History of Me!

Creating The Perfect Kitchen:
The Kitchen is the strong hold of every gay housewife and the centre of his home. This is the most important room in the house to perfect before moving on to the rest of your home. Without a well designed and functional (yes this normally dirty word is allowed in the kitchen) you cannot run a successful household. Simple tasks such as preparing a Gruyere and Trogon soufflé with char grilled asparagus or producing several extensive flower arrangements for a dinner party will fill you with dread rather than insurmountable pleasure. This is why we have to allow functionality into the kitchen. The enemy of truly inspiring design, functionality has ruined many a fine design concept. I’d love to see what Herzog + de Meuron would come up with it people didn’t actually have to use their buildings. Just image the Tate modern without the fucking tourists! Aesthetic dreaming aside, it is possible to combine both the functional and the beautiful, it just takes a little time and effort. Look to Wallpaper and Elle Interiors for inspiration and of course your own highly developed sense of style.

When you have wrestled to “functional” into your consciousness it is worth taking your time over the planning of this room since as a happy housewife you will spend a great deal of time in this room performing one joyous task after another. Therefore it is important to spend as much as you can afford or squeeze you husband hard for cash when fitting out this you room. I would say anything between £15,000 and £30,000 is an acceptable sum. If you spend any less there is every chance the neighbors will have a superior kitchen and spending any more is quite simply brazen. Very clever people can often produce computer pictures of what your kitchen will look like when all is done. I highly recommend seeking this option, as it will allow you look for potential problems i.e. will a spatula be in easy reach while standing at you 6 hob NEF chrome range? This error unchecked could ruin many a fine dish and dare I say cause long term damage to your mental health.

Once decided on layout, the style of your kitchen is entirely up to you. You should choose something that reflects your personality. I.e. you read the Guardian therefore recycled materials, economy, ecology and middle class guilt are all things to keep an eye out for, or you may work in the city therefore will probably want every thing coated in black ash with chrome trimmings. While black and chrome are perfectly acceptable aesthetic choices please avoid the black ash, the 80’s are well over, try something like acrylic or even treated coal. I personally have gone for a sleek modern kitchen by Rational Die Kuche and tiling by Bisazza. Needless to say, all the neighbors envy me.

When you have planned, built and decorated the kitchen of your dreams you are now ready to make this room the hub of your home. There is no practical method to this other than time a dedication to your task, however I can offer the following handy hints:
- Food; its preparation and consumption are, of course, the kitchens primary use therefore by its very nature people, will be drawn to this room
- Socializing; eating is a very social activity and by providing meals such a breakfast, light lunches and evening meals in the kitchen will ensure your man come to you rather than you seeking him in your vast home.
- Install a music system – music playing gently in the background will draw people to a room and make tiresome chores fly by.

Finally dear readers, some suggested reading for the kitchen:
Nigel Slater, Any book he’s ever written
Gents, as I will say again and again through out this homage à la maison, in order to achieve results in the home one simply has to be able to deliver in the kitchen above all else and at all cost. Nigel, God-Bless him, has many exciting but very simple recipes that work time and time again. I recommend this veritable volume to the beginner and the advanced alike. He also writes about food in a highly sexual manner, which along with a good spin cycle, is guaranteed to brighten up a rainy Tuesday afternoon!

Delia Smith, Any book she’s ever written
She has dragged the British public's idea of food out of the dark ages. Now we all know what Basil is! Thank you for the food, for giving it to me!

Nigella (who needs no surname), Any book’s ever written
A lady with no fear of calories - her chocolate puddings have brought more happiness to the queer world than Freddie Ljungberg’s CK adverts.

Finally dear readers, please feel free to get in touch to share handy household tips and any hot decorating tips you have!

Next time: Icons and Demons of the gay Housewife! Anthea Turner watch out!

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

Dear Readers,
First my personal congratulations on reading this blogg. Weather you are a tour de force around the home or are looking to hone your domestic skills you have taken the first step towards the beautiful home and perfect life. I have many years of experience keeping and managing a beautiful homosexual home, looking after my fine man, holding a high standing in my local community and even an incredibly successful career. Over the following months I will share with you my secrets on how to be the perfect gay housewife.

But before we go any further I feel it is worth taking a few moments to explore who the gay house wife is and what characteristics he posses. He is a relative new phenomenon, bourn out of an increasingly liberalized society, civil partnership, the pink pound and Elton and David.

The term “gay housewife” should not be misinterpreted. The label housewife does not necessarily mean he stays at home. It is entirely possible that the gay housewife continues to work while running the home, sometimes holding positions of great power in business. However, while, maintaining a position in industry he proudly wares the title housewife because one of his greatest passions in life is his home and the activities surrounding its running.

Of course, it is also entirely possible he may chose (or be lucky enough) not to work but remain at home while his partner earns a fortune. Either way, the gay housewife is a man with a great ambition for his home. He will, of course, have excellent taste and this will be reflected in the look and feel of his home. Decisions regarding color schemes, furnishings and fabrics will have been made with meticulous detail and a contemporary eye before the workmen begin their labors. Of course he does not follow the crowds or immediately jump to what ever is currently the height of interior fashion. He will be bold and individual in his aesthetic decision-making resulting in a truly unique and personal environment for him and his partner to live in.

More often than not he will be an excellent cook creating both nutritious and exciting meals. He will be well versed in many international flavors and always on the look out for something exciting and new. He believes in using only the finest ingredients he can afford and can often be found in farmers markets purchasing fresh, organic meat and vegetables. Throwing a large dinner party for 4 or 20 of his fabulous friends in not a chore but an opportunity to be savored since he can show off both his fine skills in the kitchen and wonderful new dinner service from Heals.

Not only is the home at the centre of his life, his man is too. Now those of you who don’t currently have a man, fear not, if you follow my advice in the coming months on how to find a Husband you to will be able to share in the joys of the beautiful home with another sole. However, one does not necessarily need a man to be a good housewife, because keeping a wonderful home is as much for yourself as it is for others. The gay housewife who has a man will know how to please him be it with an intimate candle lit dinner at home, in the bedroom or anywhere in the house, and, of course, if he has chosen his partner wisely his attentions will be rewarded with attention, gifts, holidays and more. After all boys, this isn’t the 1950’s, it is perfectly alright to expect an equal parity in your relationship.

Finally and above all else the gay housewife will be a gentleman. He will be gentile and courteous with others, make sparkling dinner conversation, handle heated discussion with a fair and even hand and always treat his man and home with love and respect.

Now, dear reader, for a word of caution, not every queer who aspires to domestic bliss will make it. This is a sad fact but it must be addressed properly. As I have discovered some try only to fail and the fall out is not a pretty sight; poorly chosen color scheme’s, couples in matching outfits, pictures bought from Ikea, a dry martini that is too wet, the list goes on my friends and it can make truly horrific reading. Can you imagine seeing a Footballer’s “biography” in your presence let alone on coffee tables - in your friends home! I will stop the grim tales because I am only upsetting myself.

You could have to face the very real fact you are a slob, but have become so wrapped up in your middle class values the your truly vulgar nature is hidden beneath layers of social conditioning. To save yourself the crushing pain of failing to be the perfect gay housewife and others the abhorrent sight of your failure I recommend you answer the following questions to see weather you are gay housewife material.
- What is a Mojito?
- Do you shop in Ikea?
- Where would you find a dado rail?
- Is it impolite to put ones glass down without drinking after making a toast?
So how did we do? If you answered cocktail, no, on a wall and yes; Welcome, a truly exciting journey begins here! If you simply don’t understand a Mojito or shop in Ikea, I am truly sorry. There is no hope for you. Please put this book down, gay housewifery is not for you. Instead of trying to improve yourself, I suggest you make some baked beans on toast and watch an episode of Casualty – that is more your level.

Next time; The Kitchen - the heart of every home.