Genital Fiddling – Stop It

Dear all, it is so good to be back from my travels. You will be glad to know the only thing I could do with Pete and Nikki was take them both to the vets and have them put down. It was the only humane thing to do for them and us. They will now be in doggy heaven – how nice. Anyway, we have deviated long enough from furthering our homosexual homemaking selves and it is high time the lessons continued. If we let standards slip in the home then we may as well throw the world as we know it to the dogs. Imagine what would happen if we housewives were to begin neglecting our duties? Our men would go to work lacking that spring we boys put in their step every night, their suits wouldn’t be pressed, shoes would go un-shined and they wouldn’t have a nutritious yet delicious home cooked meal to look forward to at the end of the day. This would result in poor performance at work thus the homosexual underpinning of society would collapse, bringing down with it the government, the city and show biz in one fel-swoop. So to selflessly avoid disaster we must continue teaching ourselves how to be a tour de force around the home.

I would like to bring an all-together more serious tone to this week’s column by addressing a very worrying trend of excessive genital fiddling and present my agenda for change. This revolting behavior became worryingly apparent to me on my recent travels on behalf of the, now thankfully dead, Pete and Nikki. This little job required travel outside of the M25. I know dear readers, I hear your cry of shock for I only leave the safe confines of the dear London orbital in one of two situations: in an airplane or heading to Virgin’s Drive through Check-in at Heathrow. However, for the sake of my country I had to make an exception.

So having made the gracious gesture of accepting work outside of the M25 I was to find they want me to go to Birmingham! As previously discussed Birmingham is actually an acceptable place to locate yourself in the UK due to the recent addition of a Selfridges and Harvey Nicks. However, one thing Birmingham doesn’t have is civility, and it was this worrying lack of politesse that brought this rather disturbing trend in our chavey heterosexual brethren to my attentions. It would seem rather suddenly chav men have developed the need to aggressively grope themselves in public displays of cock-worthiness. Now I am aware all of us with complicated external genitalia occasionally need to make a small adjustment to the lye of the land, but the need for such actions can be greatly reduced by supportive yet sexy underwear and a little tact can go a long way. There is simply no need to make such an aggressive public spectacle of adjusting ones self.

In addition to the genital juggling, the hetro man has developed a permanent itch all over his torso. He needs to regularly scratch his torso while showing us his excuse for a “toned” six-pack or fucking big fat belly(I know – fat people are still legal!)? After witnessing display after display of puzzling hetro-chav behavior I was left wondering why does he needs to brazenly expose himself in public?

The causes could be wide and varied, and I do not pretend to be an expert on mental disorders, but clearly one is taking over the country. Dear readers, I believe the men of the breeding chav population are feeling both endangered and emasculated by the growing power of two groups: the women and the gays. Collectively we have never had so much power and independence from our heterosexual male counterparts. No longer do we need to cower in subjugation and that frightens them. Traditionally they have beaten both women and gay’s physically and symbolically into second place and now we are collectively saying no and they are running scared, looking for any little way to regain some of their former control, so, simple creatures that they are, they have chosen to repeatedly wave their symbol of manhood in our faces.

Well, fuck me with one of said penises, what a brilliant idea - wankers! To us educated and sublime creatures watching man retreat to his prehistoric self proves evolution really is working but what can they possibly hope to gain from such actions? Do they think we will forget hundreds of years of progress, drop to our knees and beg for them to protect us with their big dicks? They are clearly as deluded in their intentions as their actions. Quite simply all their genital posturing serves no purpose other than to mark them out as the weaker species, waiting for Darwin’s hand to swipe them from existence.

Fuck me, what came over me, I went all butch lesbian for a moment. Political ruminations aside, the fact remains it is not nice to watch and what are we going to do about it? Well my dears, fear not, I have a simple plan that will cause chaos for about a week but should swiftly solve the problem. For the ladies, please start inserting your tampons or applying your sanitary towels in the middle of the street, for the lady lesbians, stop having sex, it will kill the breeding men and all woman kind please aggressively fiddle with your under wiring at every possible opportunity. For you gay boy’s, who cares where it is, simply commit regular public sodomy and discuss accessorizing and color tone in fabric loudly in public. With such an aggressive backlash from the ones the groin jerks are trying to suppress they will realize the battle has been lost and promptly surrender themselves into our service and the whole world will be lovely again!

There we go my dears, real problems and real solutions from the lessons of homemaking. I could be prime minister – of course. Anyone with other ideas on how to stop the fiddling please let me know at MySpace or email and together we can create the perfect society. Love and homo happiness to you all,

(m)Arthur
x

Dearest Readers,
Apologies for the not having posted any handy homosexual homemaking hints in the past week. I have had to go away on unexpected, yet very important business. I have been hired to salvage Pete and Nikki's relationship, dismal home arrangements and in general stop them from being so cheap; how many covers of Heat magazine can you be on before you've sold your sole to EMAP?

To anyone familiar with these two you will be only too aware of the awesome task this is; the wedding cake they were thinking of buying, one word: common.

I am sorry saving such a tawdry pair has had to come at your expense. I have nearly finished salvaging some sense of dignity from these miserable creatures. My plan; Pete will lose all the nasty emo dressings and more importantly drop Nikki, and go on to become a gay fashion icon and our our bleached perma tanned tart Nikki will go on to become a Pramface in Croydon as has always been her destiny!

Normal service resumes next week my dears, until then, I wish you all perfect homosexual domesticity.

(m)Arthur X

How to Find a Husband – Especially a Rich one

Dear readers, welcome back once more. I do so enjoy our time together each week; its so nice to be able to discuss homo homemaking with other like minded queers and not those who believe DFS and KBBC Kitchens You Can Afford (no, really, it exists) to be the pinnacles of quality home furnishings!

As a happily married gay housewife I oft use the phrase “you and your partner” or “my husband and I”. Yes, one could be forgiven for thinking to qualify for gay housewifery one must be in wedlock. Well, my dears, this simply isn’t the case. You can easily run a perfectly poofy home without a better half, for we live in the 21st century. In this liberated day and age you will not be viewed as a freak if you still live alone at 30, unmarried without even a boyfriend or so much as a husband in residence. You can be “just me” very happily these days; we have holidays, web sites, societies and all manner of services for single people. However a word of caution; all these services for the single man are subtly aimed at ending your single status!
This is for the very good reason that in this homo-liberated age it is perfectly ok to be single up to about 49 but in the eyes of the world there is clearly something very wrong with an unmarried man over the age of 50. Until the world comes round to sad truth that gay men stop being all tanned and shiny and actually get old, I would suggest being single as much as you wish throughout your 20’s and 30’s, but don’t leave it until much after 40 until you settle down properly. After all, as the girls in Sex and the City, or SATC, quite successfully proved, one can be single and fabulous and shout about it for at least five seasons, but come the sixth season and your 40th birthday all the successfully single bollocks of your 20’s and 30’s is replaced by the beckoning of marriage!

I can hear some of you gasping out there but there is nothing to be feared in marriage my dears. It is now legal in many European countries, most recently the UK and Spain and is possible certain states in the US, and while these marriages may not be recognized by the Church they are recognized by the state, extending you the full rites offered to pairings of breeders. Some in the queer community rail against gay marriage on the basis of it being a heterosexual convention with no place in gay society, while at the same time demanding equality in the work place and in the eyes of the law! To these confused queers, who probably never got over being from Hull, I offer this; if you really want equality, rather than a excuse to mince around with a rainbow flag in the odd parade, the only way to beet the breeders is to play them at their own game! Before they know it they will come to the painful realization that the gay mafia runs not only show business but the world, the pink pound has more muscle than Venice Beech and we only allow Chavs to buy their Burberry so we can have dirty sexual fantasies about them!

After all my dears, there is something quite wonderful in having someone to share your life with, to cook for, to clean for, to always know where your next shag is coming from and of course to have the perfect co-hosts for the ultimate Dinner party. I find it comforting to know that my husband, William, and I will grow older together, have our first cosmetic surgery together, cause a riot on our first Gay SAGA holiday together and be buried in only the most stylish of graveyards side by side. After all my dears, having a husband allows you to realize your true potential, as a gay housewife! Yes, you can stop working and live off his money!

So how to find this elusive, and ideally rich, creature? Below you will find my suggestions for the best places to look and those that are well worth avoiding…
- Gaydar; well you can try my dears but I doubt you’ll find a keeper here. This new facet to gay society is fine if you like wanking on web cams but such behavior is especially vulgar, speaks of worrying social detachment and could mean your are a flouncing ninny (see Location, Location, Location). However there maybe a gaydarite you can convince to give you the down payment on a two bed in Chelsea (like the Upper East Side) in return for certain favors! Lets face it, these days it is hard to get on the property ladder!
- Match.com; let face it all of us have had a go at finding love on the internet and Match.com has a healthy collection of fine men, generally all looking to settle down and make a home. Perfect! Plus it has the added advantage of allowing you to search by income!
- Lonely Hearts Columns; First pick a decent newspaper - Guardian, Independent, Times and if you must Telegraph, but no Tabloids. Generally the men you will find here are a little odd, usually those who haven't figured out or are scared of the Internet. Dear reader a queer who hasn't worked out the Internet is a worrying thing. Sites such as gaydar.com, manhunter.com and gay.com have huge power to dictate the direction of queer culture. Men and women who are not wise to this are clearly out of touch with the modern world, therefore modern trends in decoration, travel and food are most likely to have passed them by. These people should be treated with both sympathy and caution. I would not recommend marriage with one of these creatures
- Join a Country Club; This method is most likely to deliver a true gentleman. One tends to find a better class of man in England’s finer country clubs due to exhaustive selection committees designed to keep the chavs and plebs out. However, due to the largely heterosexual nature of these places, ones chances of success are narrow.
- Dinner Parties; Throw a dinner party for, say eight friends and get them to bring along a friend new to your social grouping. This is an ideal way to find a man; you know he can’t be a freak because he is associated with your wonderful friends, you can see how well he scrubs up for a polite dinner, charm him with your sparkling and witty conversation and win him over with your cooking; yes my dears, the way to a mans heart really is through his stomach. This is after all how I met my wonderful William.
- Join the Board of a Charity; Us gays are habitual do-gooders and rich ones can often be found on the boards of various charities. Not only is this a good way to use an afternoon or two a week, but you get to give something back to the world and possibly sort yourself out for life at the same time!
- Some Times it Just Happens; Yes, one can not make love happen. Despite your best efforts, you may not be able to find the perfect man when you look too hard. Sometimes it is just best to sit back and see who comes along. Having said that you can help the situation by never forgetting to cleanse, tone and moisturize, use a lifting mask twice a week, never leave the house looking shabby or with out a fine, but subtle, eau de toilette and always iron you clothing. This will ensure you are always presenting distinguished air of class and allure to any potential suitors.

Now, if all of the above fail to get you hitched then you are beyond help! However if anyone has any further suggestions or where to dig up that perfect match please feel free to get in touch through MySpace or email. Similarly, I would love to hear of how you fabulous creatures out there found your husbands!

Next week: Gay Divorce: Who gets the bone china?

Location, Location, Location
Greetings gentle reader. Firstly, apologies for being so late in publishing this week; I have been on holiday but my return has been continually delayed by faux terror threats and diverted aircraft. Now I have safely returned from my little break to a friends Scottish Castle it is time to move onwards with this guide.

This week I would like to focus on where to locate your perfect gay home. This is one of the most important decisions you and your partner can make for it will effect your social network, access to important supplies and of course where you make your home says a great deal about you. Making an error here can be one of the most costly mistakes your queer cheque book can make for the cost of buying and establishing the perfect house hold is only limited by your imagination. To only find two years later you have set up home near a Chav hot spot, such as Ashford, would not only be heart breaking but costly to rectify.

Now, lets start with the big picture. First one must chose a city. The countryside is only for secondary residences; what are you going to do when the nearest jar of quince jelly is 100 miles away, you’ve run out and your guests are fast approaching your front door? Face social shame? No; you live in a fucking city. Got it? Good. Now here in the UK there are 5 permissible cities for the gay housewife to create his home in. In order of acceptability they are: London (of course), Glasgow, Edinburgh, Manchester and Birmingham. That latter only makes the list due to the recent addition of a Selfridges and redevelopment of the city centre and if it all gets too much it is only two hours from London. Manchester rates so poorly because, bizarrely, it is too gay! You see my dears, the gay housewife is not a creature who lives solely to serve his sexuality’s stereotypes. While I have to admit homemaking is a stereotypically poofy activity, they gay housewife is above all a gentleman of class and taste who happens to take it up the bum; he is not a flouncing ninny, mincing down Old Compton or Canal Street, smothered in orange perma-tan, lisping into his bejeweled mobile phone dragging a rat-like lap dog in a Louis Viton “dog” bag in his wake. Men of this disposition should be treated with suspicion because they usually have poor house keeping skills due to spending all their waking hours with a fiver up their nose and a cock up their arse.

Anyway, moving on, should you need or simply want to live abroad the following are currently acceptable: Paris, Madrid, Berlin, Rome, Stockholm, Moscow, Istanbul, Bombay (or Mumbai), Tokyo, Taipei, Melbourne, Vancouver, Rio, Buenos Aires, Chicago and of course New York. Beirut had just made the list in recent months for it only to be removed this July because it simply is not safe to make your home there any more. This saddens me and I hope for the situation to be peacefully resolved soon. All of these cities have made the list due to the excellent choice of real estate, the vast range of products and services the gay housewife requires are well catered for and they are all cultural hubs for their regions. Plus the local populaces are generally quite tolerant of a polite homosexual or two. Finally it should not be forgotten all of the above are also ideal locations for second homes or shopping and cultural breaks.
I am currently investigating Buenos Aries as a location for a suitable second home in which William, my husband, and myself can hide away from the British winter, I hope to close a deal on a darling little house on the sea front in the next few weeks.

Now, back to the UK. Once you have selected a city in which to set up home it is important to chose a suitable location within that city. Sadly dear readers there simply isn’t time for me to go through all the desirable districts of all the cities mentioned here so to help you with you decision making here are some simple tests to perform on any perspective area:
• Waitrose Test: If there is not a Waitrose within 3 miles of easy driving from where you are thinking of buying for the love of all that is good DON’T BUY. A similar principal can also be applied to the proximity of a John Lewis or Habitat. For my dear American readers, I would think about how close you would be to, say Bloomingdales or its nearest equivalent.
• Leaf Test: Although not the most reliable test, the more leafy and green your area is the better it will be.
• Emergency Deli Test: How long does it take to you get to the nearest deli? Any longer than 20 minutes is totally unacceptable.
• Post Code test: This really only applys to the UK, but the fewer letters and lower the numbers the better you are doing.
• City Centre to City Limits Test: Calculate the mileage form your perspective abode to city centre and city limits. If the Mileage to the city limits is lower than that to the city centre look again.
• Chav-alanch Test: One does not want to live near a hot bed of chavs therefore, drive a Burberry Print Vauxhall Nova down the local high street, if more people look on admiringly than spit at it keep looking.
• If you see signs saying “NO DSS” in estate agents windows, the area is not for you.

Following these simple rules can make a huge difference to how happy you and your partner are in your new home. However, it should be noted these test are by no means comprehensive. It is important not to forget, in choosing where to locate your perfect poofy home one of the most decisive factors are your own fine homosexual homemaking instincts; at all times trust in these to guide you through this process and you will land on your feet.

So there we have it my dears, a basic and brief guide to locating your perfect homosexualist home. If you have any questions or comments on how to find the perfect home please get in touch via MySpace or email. I love to hear what you think. Until next time; homosexual happiness to you all.

Next time: How to find a Husband!