Perfect Homosexual Domesticity

2007-03-03T10:54:00.001Z

Manly Men

Greetings dear readers! Where have I been I hear you shout? Darlings I have been every where, if I wasn’t trying to keep the pro-gay wing of the Anglican church fighting fit, I was being courted by David Cameron to make the Tory’s more gay friendly! I’ve been in a pink haze but I am now safely back home with my darling husband and of course with you my dear readers. With such a long absence so much has happened, Shilpa V’s Goody, a sexy and black Democrat running for President, the gay Housewife’s favorite South African, the lovely Mr Tutu condemning the American Anglican church for its homophobia and John Amaechi, a former NBA pro, came out and most shockingly of all, nearly half of all Indian women have not heard of Aids! So naturally my topic of discussion this week is the gay man vs. his heterosexual counterpart

Us gay housewives, the good ones at least, tend to be of the Alpha male variety therefore, a large part of our work is showing our neighbors and friends how much better we are at, well, everything and making sure they never forget this, after all what is society about other than the survival of the fittest. The more dinner party’s I throw the clear it becomes to me that creationism is nothing more than fanciful religious nonsense; evolution is how we came to be. But that is by the by, we all have it within us to be merciless in achieving success; this is a norm in the world of business dominated by the Alpha male. But what of the world us gay housewives operate in, we have no account to land, no colleague to be promoted above, no sales target to meet. Surely all that is expected is a clean home, a satisfied man and the odd fabulous dinner party? After all, we are the softer of the sex are we not?

Well, no! Recently, in one of my weaker moments I was accused of being “poofy”. I saw red dear readers, why as a gay man when I show weakness am I suddenly demoted to being a bit poofy, rather than simply human? Equally, when I assert myself I suddenly become a bitch, not a strong self-assertive man! I was riled. As a gay man I am as strong as my heterosexual counter part, I just use different tools to fight my battles.

Like my female counter parts it is my age-honored rite to wage social warfare on my neighbors while maintaining the pretense of neighborly serenity. While our husbands and hetro counter parts will use Machiavellian charm and chauvinistic bullying to up their monthly bonus, we will employ similar techniques to ensure our summer garden party’s are the best attended, most discussed events of the season or similarly make sure the charity art sale Mr X from number 23 is holding is either a complete success or a resounding failure depending on how he’s conducted his affairs of late!

This suburban warfare is fought with strategy, skill and artillery any American general would be proud of, but because a gay housewife is a gentleman above all else, blood, sweat and profanity are not involved. Instead we use our gentlemanly cunning to plan our next move and counter attack, we fight with razor sharp parlance; our gears of war are not bullets but finely honed, razor sharp epithets. This form of warfare requires a man with a devious mind who is able to think at lightning pace to remain one step ahead of his enemy. To hone and master all these skills makes a formidable man so please don’t tell me the enjoyment of a bit of bum fun makes you any less of a man. It is all too easy for the heterosexual population to quell their fear and misunderstanding of us by diminishing us as men, but it is false and unfair and we should do more to fight this image of the gay man being a week man. Allowing ourselves to be seen in this way only makes it easier for us to be beaten down.

I fully consider myself a man, I may like it up the wrong end, I may appreciate fine floral arrangement, I may understand Brunhilda’s angst in the final act of the Ring Cycle, but this does not diminish me as a man. A fine cock and gentlemanly conduct I my opinion make a good man, gay or straight, and these are both things I own so those who wish to emasculate me may try, but in my heart I’ll be more of a man than they’ll ever be.

Say hello at MySpace

2007-01-15T16:22:00.000Z

Christian Concern for Sodomy

Dear Readers,
What an interesting time us queers had in Blighty last week. If Kylie coming down with a cold wasn’t enough, it seems only a day after posting the gay housewives views on sex an enormous media extravaganza kicked off over Sodomy and the equal provision of services for Gays! Yes, the government’s gone all pro gay again! As much as the Labor government has spent the past 9 years and 9 Months doing some very strange things such as appointing members of Opus Dei to high office, starting the odd war and selling schools to the highest bidding Church, Business or mad individual it has also made some good legislative progress for us Happy Homos. We now have an equal age of consent at 16, discrimination in the work place on a basis of sexual orientation is banned, civil partnerships for same sex couples are now enshrined into British law a la Elton & Dave, Matt & Kevin, Myself and my lovely Husband and Thatcher’s abhorrent Section 28 that banned the promotion of homosexuality by local authority and schools has been revoked. Yes, you can now hold a gay-knitting morning to raise funds for Terrance Higgins in a council property without the fear of arrest!

This week the next step in Labors pro-homo agenda came up for debate in the House of Lords. The government is planning a set of “Sexual Orientation Regulations” to bring equality to the provision of services to gay men and women. Recently a Scottish couple were denied a room in a B&B near Loch Lomond because the proprietor did not want “acts of sodomy” committed in his B&B, another couple were having building work done in their house and received an invoice addressed to “The Gays”, needless to say that wasn’t their second name. Worse still, another couple were trying to get quotes for building work on their home and a builder flatly refused to work for a gay couple and many religious organizations will not hire their venues to gay organizations. When the gay housewife struggles to add a conservatory to the eastern wing, find suitable holiday accommodation or secure a venue for a bake sale we are indeed in a very sorry state. And one has to ask, would the same builders or religious groups deny service to a black couple, a Muslim man or a single mother? No, they wouldn’t because it is socially unacceptable and they can’t because to so would be against the law.

However, passing legislation is never simple, especially when it comes to the House of Lords, which has not been the traditional friend of the Gay-Lord. However, this week the protests from within the Lords have been relatively muted, compared to those from outside. In a rare and touching moment of unity Christians, Jews and Muslims found the time to come together for some draconian gay bashing in the name of Faith. These groups, largely on the far right of their religions, not only want a clause exempting religious organizations, they want the whole thing struck. They believe the proposed legislation, already in act in Northern Ireland, would force them to choose between obedience to god or the state. This, to put it politely, is the mildest of their many and far ranging arguments; some say they would be forced to take gays into their organizations, schools would have to promote same-sex education and most perplexing of all, B&B’s would have to give a double to a transsexual couple! I can just see it now, a torrent of homosexual sodomy throughout the nations family run B&B’s! None of the above arguments are true, they are based on a campaign of lies, media speculation and misunderstanding of the law. However, it is touching to see all these faith based groups remain relatively quite about on going genocide and rape in Dafur, civil unrest in Somalia and outright slaughter in Assam, but flex their not inconsiderable media muscle the minute a bit of good old buggery comes along.

At the heart of this debate is the group “The Christian Concern for our Nation”, who organized a torch lit protest on 9th Jan when this legislation was being debated in the House of Lords. Their protest was met with dignified counter-protest from various gay groups but the whole thing made a rather grim spectacle. The heart of Christian Concern’s argument against equality for us comes from the Bible, and of course, the Old Testament. Yes, the homos friend Leviticus is rearing his ugly head once more. Leviticus 18:22 states: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable”, and latter day speculation has turned this to mean sodomy between two men as a sin, strangely it doesn’t say anything about heterosexual sodomy, which I can only assume is a perfectly acceptable act to perform in a Christian B&B.

While Leviticus quite sensibly points out shagging your father, and just about every other member of your family is a sin he advocates a myriad of other strange things that Christian Concern has been mysteriously quiet about. One presumes, in a pro-Leviticus B&B it is normal to not only own slaves but sell your daughter into slavery, one avoids wearing mixed cloths, because of course you would become unclean, and you should refrain from touching both your wife during her period and pig skin because they also make you unclean and of course cutting your hair in said establishment is a sin punishable by death. I don’t know about you, but I think Christian Concern have hit on something; a chain of pro-Leviticus B&B’s; imagine the fun you could have!

Puerile point scoring aside, Christian Concern would argue the world has moved on from the Old Testament, but moral guidance can still be found within it. However you can just as easily argue the modern world, by in large, is more tolerant of homosexuality, we have laws to protect those who are gay and entire societies and economy’s are based around the gay life style so, as we let go of slavery & stoning our unclean wives, maybe we should let go of Leviticus’ teachings on homosexuality.

Fellow gay housewife’s, I ask you to write to your MP’s urging them to support the legislation in full, without exceptions for religious organizations, and while you’re at it ask them to get rid of the old hobo who lurks outside Waitrose. If you don’t know who your MP is, or their address, go to www.writetothem.com and simply by entering your post code you can send an email to your MP! Modern technology – lovely isn’t it!

Love and equal provision of services to you all,
(m)Arthur
x

Say hello at MySpace or email me

2007-01-08T18:43:00.000Z

Sex, Dirty Sex

Dear Homo Housewives,
Greetings, yet another week has past and now after what felt like such a slow start to 2007 things are moving again. I have been told we have something called Celebrity Big Brother to keep the slobs and heat magazine’s staff entertained for a few weeks, the circus of Westminster has dragged itself back from Miami, Kylies tour is nearly over and the sales are offering further reductions. Yes, this is a quiet time for the gay housewife, sales shopping done, husbands off to work, for those who have adopted, kids back to school, your friends partied out and everyone has joined a fucking gym so really what is there for the gay housewife to do but talk about sex?

Yes sex my dears. It is something I haven’t touched on, as it were, so far in my writings. Some would say sex is inappropriate to be discussed in polite company or by the gay housewife at all, but sadly those who seek to quash such bawdy talk have probably never had a proper orgasm, take Ann Widdecombe as your prime example. Others would say the gay housewife is a blushing, shy creature who would turn red at the very utterance of “COLT Slick Personal lubricant” and some would argue we are subservient creatures who ask for nothing and live only to serve our husbands demands. Well think again prissy bitches; we decorated the bedroom and we know how to run it!

After all, a gay housewife is a thoroughly modern man, we understand the world has moved on from the 1950’s, and we know pleasing our husband between the sheets is not the only thing we do in the bedroom; we are fully entitled to get what we want when we want it and without complaint. We are no possession of our husbands. Don’t get me wrong; the gay housewife doesn’t have to be an S&M master (unless he wants to be), just firm and persuasive in his desires. Simply put sex is too often see as a one way act where the top gets all his fun and the bottom is left to take care of matters largely by himself.

This inequality in the bedroom seems to be endemic of gay men at large. Before my husband, when having sexual encounters, it often felt like a struggle between me and the other gentleman for whose desires would be best met. Maybe this is because of the porn driven gay culture in which we now live were the top traditionally has all his fun at the expense of the bottom who seems to gain nothing from the experience other than the need for a soft cushion to sit on. Often porn is a young gay mans first experience of sex and it will understandably leave an impression. Due to this prevailing attitude possibly those who enjoy being a bottom are embarrassed to ask for more and the top simply assumes that is all he as to do.

I am speaking in broad terms here and naturally every relationship will have its own sexual dynamic, and this is something the gay housewife should be well aware of; tradition would suggest the housewife will be the more submissive bottom and the husband will be the more assertive top. From talking to my friends I would say this holds true only 50% of the time. The other 50% have husbands who like to be thrown down on a dirty kitchen floor and given a good seeing to. Being a master of the home and bedroom the gay housewife will ensure traditional expectations are brushed aside and a sexual democracy is created, though subtle persuasion and charm and failing this of course he will resort to bribery, extortion and threats. Remember, crossing your legs for a week is a great way to get what you want! Adhering to this method will ensure both partners in the relationship receive full sexual gratification, be it a bit of brown, foot fun, rubber balloons, plain normal fetish free sex or what ever lights your collective wicks so naturally your husband will go to work smiling and be the envy of all his colleagues.

This brings me to an important point. As men we know when another has had it the night before, and once more we know when he has had it good. Therefore perfection is important in this area in order to maintain the neighbors envy of you and of course ensure his gay colleagues envy him while wanting you and his straight colleagues start thinking about becoming friends with Dorothy. When you get a slew of unexpected attention at a work do of his or your annual Easter charity gala dinner you know you are succeeding in the bedroom! However, you also know this yourself when you feel fully satisfied, wonder if you have broken a law or can’t walk properly the following day, and gents, I say it again, getting what you want, what ever it is, is important. Your glow to the neighbors should say as much as his does about how much better your life is than theirs.

So there we have it for this week my dear readers; the gay housewife master of the home, master of the bedroom and master creating the perfect sex life to please yourselves and piss off the neighbors!

Love to All

(m)Arthur
x

Say hello at MySpace or email me or leave a comment. I love to share home making tips!.

2007-01-02T16:11:00.000Z

Premature Christmas Ejaculation

Dear All,
Well, where has your dear (m)Arthur been these past few months I hear you asking? And how did you manage to have the perfect homosexual Christmas without my valuable assistance? As you will all be aware Christmas is one of the busiest times of year for the gay housewife; with all the preparations for the big lunch, the buying of presents, the essential ski holiday (Beaver Creek in America this year, and yes it was lovely), the various Christmas consultant posts I hold and of course decorating ones own home for the occasion. With all the preparations, and of course writing the queens speech (and pod cast would you believe) for old Liz the time has hardly been available for me to but finger to key board to share with you my dears. Well, now Christmas and new year are behind us for another year I am back with you for 2007 or until my valuable attentions are needed else where!

However, before we move on any further into 2007, I feel, with Christmas now said and done, as gay housewife’s we should take a moment to reflect on how we did this Christmas, and what can be done to improve future festive gatherings. My dears, I have to say, my Christmas was fucking wonderful as usual, but what are years of practice for if not the ability to deliver perfect results every time. However, from what I have seen this year I would expect some of you to find room for improvement. For the majority of you out there I would suggest re-evaluating the following areas; decoration, present giving and receiving (some people are simply gift tops, some bottoms but few are versatile; they just can’t help it) and of course guest list – who do you invite to your various parties and who do you keep at an arms length.

Small social errors, however, are not the crux of my discussion this week, but Christmas itself dear gays. I feel we have become deeply confused over exactly what Christmas means to us. Don’t worry, I am not about to bemoan the downfall of a Christian society. Lets face it, take any religion, ancient and new; all have some form of event between 21st of December and 1st January, some old, some borrowed, some blue, but none of them new. We live in a secular society that I adore and support, but for the love of all that is good, what the fuck do I need to buy Christmas decorations in mid September for? The festive season has become a protracted four months of commercial torture designed to extract many a pink pound from your calf leather wallet.

Christmas, when stripped of all its perceived meaning is merely a large dinner party for the family at which you give presents. If you ignore the presents this is something we do many times a year. I may be a bloody brilliant housewife, and such an event takes me only an afternoons planning, but even an idiot from Hull could pull such a thing off badly with 2 days thought. And would said idiot or their family notice the shoddiness of the occasion? No, because they’ve been told to expect stress, tantrums, bad presents, ruined turkeys and financial trouble.

Marks and Spencer’s, even my darling Waitrose, in fact every food outlet, must bombard us with adverts for months in advance of the day, suggesting they are there to help us out at this stressful time of year should it all get a bit much and what’s more they’ll help us save that extra pound because its all so expensive! Well, where were they when I threw a masked ball for 200 people in a marquee in the garden and the caterers failed to make the distinction between virgin and extra virgin olive oil? No helping hand then. No, the media and mechanisms of commerce tell us we have failed, we lack benevolence to our fellow man and we can’t cope with the pressure before we have even planned the simplest of menus or bought the cheapest of gifts, all with the maleficent intention of whipping us up into a master card melting frenzy of sustained panicked buying to make us feel like more worth human beings. It doesn’t have to be this way my dears. As gays we have become good at ignoring what society tells us and had some reasonable success in creating our own counter culture, together we need to keep the premature ejaculation of Christmas all over our faces at an arms length in order to maintain some respectability and of course some sanity between the months of September and December. After all, as gay housewives we pull off equally stunning acts of entertainment regularly throughout the year, the only difference being we give gifts on this one occasion.

Gays, fats, poofs, lezzies, fems, trannies, trans, and freaks please join me in pledging to only begin giving Christmas the slightest thought once 1st December has arrived. Let no bow of holly deck your halls, no present darken the furthest recesses of your wardrobe and let no festive food fill your cupboard until 1st Dec. The Christmas can still be enjoyed in its full glory as the one event a year that pulls the family together for no other reason than you are a family, and for that exact reason you can merrily disband afterward the big day before killing each other! No mess, no tears and no caroling in September.

Say hello at MySpace or email me.

2006-11-15T15:03:00.000Z

Polish Builders

Dear All,
So long since we last spent any time together improving our homo-economic selves. Apologies to all. I have been ever so busy on a lecture tour of this nations finest universities educating younger homosexuals on how one can use the powers of homosexual domesticity to heal societies ills. I must say it was a very successful enterprise, with new homo home makers appearing the length and breadth of the country and sensibly moving to London or it’s nearest acceptable equivalent. Later this month I will be taking my message to Eastern Europe in the hope of bringing a little joy to our Slavic cousins.

For anyone who has ventured to Eastern Europe recently and Poland in particular you will have seen this is badly needed. Quite frankly I do not blame disaffected Poles for coming to this country, in fact I welcome them and this is what I want to discuss this week my dears; the gay housewife and immigration! Now don’t all go running away down the local dive bar at the mention of something that, on the surface, seems like it has no relevance to you, lacks any kind of glamour and of course has no sequins. I am sadly aware the words “political” and “gay” are rarely found together these days, but as I have said before, as well as being a creature of the home the gay housewife is also political creature. We can make our actions in the home positively affect the world for the greater good.

On a business trip to Poland about this time last year I was able to observe at first hand the election for President. The man who was leading in the poles and indeed won was a man call Lech Kaczynski. About a month before his brother, Jaroslaw, had led their party, Law and Justice, to victory in the parliamentary elections. Lech is famed for banning Gay Pride marches when Mayor of Warsaw and Jaroslaw for supporting a moves to ban abortion for victims of rape and incest and restoring the death penalty (all thankfully blocked). Together they lead Poland, the newest and largest EU member state and have become the driving force behind neo-conservatism in Europe. Accusations of corruption, bribery and scandal are a daily occurrence and they promote ambitious if not scary reform such as letting the church run the countries education program, vetting of the civil service for collaboration with the former soviet secret service, a government regulated national television service, removing the independence of the national bank and eventually turning Poland into “the Fourth Republic”. Sound familiar to anyone?

Historical comparisons aside, this remarkable double act’s policies are driving a new wave of homophobia through Eastern Europe from Krakow to Moscow. When dining in a street café in Warclaw (phonetically “Vrot-Slav”), Poland’s 5th largest city, 3 large men walked up to my dark skinned friend and I. They pointed at him, shouted “white pride”, pointed at me and shouted, “fag” and wondered off pleased with themselves. When talking to a gay British poet and writer, resident in Warsaw, he talked of the gay movement in Poland being driven underground because of fear created by the current political climate. There were posters saying, if the translation was accurate, “If elected I will ban Homosexuality”. Gay clubs were nearly impossible to find, and only when full did same sex couples feel safe enough to touch each other. As wealthy Anglo-Saxon westerners we were a great curiosity. All in all my experience was eye opening and frightening.

Those Poles who do not agree with their countries government or who do not feel safe because of their government I welcome to the UK. For many of us happy homo homemakers it is hard to imagine living under such threat, but for many of our fellow homo’s it’s very real. 99% of us were persecuted at school or by our flesh and blood in one way or another for being who we are and sought measures to escape that persecution, be it moving to an urban centre, changing school, changing job or totally changing our lives to be happy. Certain aspects of our lives have run parallel courses and while not saying us queers can understand the Poles better than anyone, we are well placed to empathize with their situation.

I believe we should publicly reject the tabloid frenzy of “Poles Stealing our Jobs” or “Immigrants sucking the system dry”. For a start it’s simply not true. When consumption of government services is compared with how much the individual contributes to the government on a per annum basis the average immigrant worker makes the government £600.00 while the average British worker in the same job costs the government £800.00. Also the immigrant community is prepared to do jobs we are simply not prepared to do because they have no choice. Who do we think packs our fresh trimmed asparagus that we happily buy at the supermarket, who cleans the toilets in our favorite bar, who unloads goods at Selfridges; immigrant workers, of which in the UK roughly 40% are Polish.

It is time the gay community politically re-activated itself both in terms of fighting for our rights and those of others. All it takes is a down turn in our economy and for life to become harder for a few years, like it did in Poland, and in 10 years time our socially democratic government, like Poland used to have, could be replaced with our very own Kaczynski brothers ready to reek havoc with society. Don’t believe the tabloid hype or the free papers, buy a few real newspapers, write letters to your MP, to newspapers, to the Kaczynski brothers. Inform yourself and make your self-heard. Dear readers, I like my two story 4 bedroom house in the suburbs in which I can have fabulous gay dinner parties without fear of persecution or having people shout “fag” or “white pride” at me and my friends as we eat out. As gay housewives lets try to educate a little to ensure we keep our hard fought civil liberties well into the future.

Love to All,
(m)Arthur
x

Say hello at MySpace or email me.

2006-10-23T15:18:00.000+01:00

Manners please, you’re at my table

Dear readers, welcome back to my world of perfect homosexual domesticity for all, that’s right, even the straights, because we are very inclusive here. Normal service has resumed after a political few weeks in these pages. As much as I believe in affirmative political action, we simply cannot further our cause without a perfectly laid table and exemplary etiquette. Those of you in the UK who don’t live in a whole in the ground, will have noticed the recent circus made by the media over a survey of the nations eating habits.

I can hardly say I am surprised by the results. We threw away any hope of maintaining a civilized society when the middle classes stopped dreaming of sending their daughters to Finishing Schools and resorted to ITV2 programs like “From Ladette to Lady” to learn proper etiquette. Now only the very rich attend these venerable institutions, which inevitably fail them because the rich have still not worked out nothing is more vulgar than being rich, charity not training can only solve that problem.

However, I digress. I hardly dare go to a restaurant these days for fear of being scolded by flying Lobster Bisque or witnessing some oaf land their chubby elbow in a red onion & stilton tart. Well, dear readers, on this rare occasion the papers are correct. As a nation we are lost in culinary obscurity. We have forgotten how to eat and enjoy the process, instead we fuel up in the most efficient manner possible, abandoning taste, texture, variety on the palate, the tension between flavors, aroma and of course the power a good glass of wine has to make or break a meal. I accept that there is not always time to prepare a full three course meal if one is heading out to, say the Opera, but to make a regular habit of dining on food from plastic wrappers bought only to fill the hole in your stomach and not enlighten your sole is sad way to live ones life, in fact you may as well pack up and fuck off to Hull or a nasty suburb somewhere with a KFC handy for your vile tastes! Dear readers, the gay housewife has no place for instant food.

In my previous columns regarding where it is acceptable for the gay House wife to both live and shop you will have noticed shops and areas fresh, organic, fairly traded produce are readily available have been championed. One shop that has not been mentioned but is often found in many a pleasant area is Marks and Spencer’s. This, my dear readers, is because I believe M&S is at the forefront of the nations failure to up hold its previously high standards in etiquette. For my dear readers further ashore than Britain and main-land Europe, it is hard to explain Marks and Spencer’s because it is less a shop and more a British institution gone wrong. It is best explained as a department store with a supermarket in the basement. And it is this basement supermarket I blame for our nations failure.

M&S have made it dangerously easy for us to convince ourselves we are eating quality food made conveniently available in attractive packaging. To take a look at the average menu from Marks and Spencer’s, you can buy steak, with ready prepared sauce for twice the price of your local organic butchers, you can buy ready-mashed potatoes for £3.20 and a ready prepared chocolate mouse for four times the cost of a bit sugar, eggs, cream and coco. All of this food tumbles out the microwave and on to the plate, and where do people eat it – ON THEIR SOFAS!! I know, I was disgusted to find this too. Had I been caught eating on a sofa at finishing school I would have been booted out with no hope of appeal. However, it is not just M&S who are to blame for this inexcusable drop in standards. Even my dear Waitroes is guilty of selling, I darkly write the word, ready-meals.

Gay Housewives of the world, your respective countries need you to save them from descending into culinary anarchy! Britains and Americans how did we get it so wrong and my dear Europeans how did you get it so rite? In Spain you have the siesta to sleep of lunch, in some parts of France you have the two hour lunch break, in Germany the staff canteen is full of epicurean delights, in Italy anything you eat sets a fire of excitement in your stomach and what do we have? Marks and Fucking Spencers!

We need to bring delight back to our tables, palate and noses and once more make eating a social occasion, not just a stop at the fuel pump of the stomach. If we all spent more time eating at an actual table, instead of off our knees people might know it is an offence to put your elbows on the table, chew loudly or with your fucking mouth open! Dear god the less educated may even learn the difference between a butter and a fish knife if we really try! But small steps first, Poof, Lezzies, Breeders, cook your man or woman a good meal tonight, eat it at the table, maybe try some advanced items of cutlery, keep your elbows of the table cloth and for god sake put your fork in your left hand! To motivate you in your quest I leave you with some rather terrifying statistics! Together, with gay homemaking we can save the world from slobbery!

Percentage of those Questioned Admitted to:
Holding fork in right hand 73% What did their mothers teach them?

Elbows on Table 67% Would they put their feet or buttocks on the table too?

Failing to remain at the table
while everyone is eating 67% Just plane rude

Eating Straight out of packaging 64% Common, probably from Hull

Talking with mouth full 36% We may be busy but there is enough time to both talk and chew

Using fingers to scoop up
last bits of food 34% Ever heard of bread?

Pointing at someone with knife/fork 27% Having never seen this happen I can only imagine the horror!

Burping at Table 25% Would they fart in public too?

Licking plate clean 24% Again, ever heard of bread

Blowing nose on napkin 20% Does no one have monogrammed handkerchiefs anymore?

Putting too much food in mouth 20% We’re people, not dogs

Forgetting to than host for meal 19% I would throw the offending cunt from polite society

Not knowing what cutlery to use 19% I wouldn’t dine at my table if I were in this position!

Throwing food at across table 8% Isn’t that what monkeys do?

Love to you all,
(m)Arthur

Say hello at MySpace or email me.

2006-10-19T18:21:00.000+01:00

A Small yet Insulting Follow-up
Dear readers, following my previous blog and complaint to the BBC, I have a little up date for you. In response to my comments on their negative use of gay stereotypes they chose to ignore my staggering intellect and explain what comedy is. In Response to my letter:

"I found your use of gay stereotypes in last night transmission of Extras deeply offensive. I do not believe such extreme stereotyping is required in this day and age. Gay men and woman take all shapes and forms but one thing they do not do is behave as they were portrayed in last night..s program.

We are not all flouncing panto dames, we perform a wide variety of roles through out society and often come across daily obstacles because of our sexual orientation. Portraying gay behaviour in a manner reminiscent of black peoples treatment at the hands of "the Black and White Minstrel Show" does nothing to help anyone, other than achieving a few easy, cheap and offensive gags.

I believe the BBC should be producing programming for all but this is not the case. Adoring to a recent survey by Stonewall the BBC is five times more likely to present a negative portrayal of a gay man or woman than any other channel and when ever a gay characters appear on the BBC he or she is most likely to be the butt of a joke and a deeply clichéd stereotype.

With all this in mind and when making future programming decisions you should consider the £192 million gay people contribute to the BBC each year and as a public broadcaster the duty you have to present a fair picture of the UK. If the BBC would like to make a formal apology for its appalling use of gay clichés it would be the start on a long road to making quality, inclusive programming."

I received this:

'Extras' is a comedy show which parodies some of the eccentricities of British society to an absurd degree. We appreciate that some viewers won't like the style of the programme but for others its appeal lies in its exhibition of bad taste. It relies on comic exaggeration and is highly satirical. The humour in the programme is largely uninhibited by some of the traditional taboos surrounding comedy but we encourage an awareness of the boundaries of acceptable taste.

Well, fuck me, while watching that episode I must of forgotten my lengthily and expensive education, my MA..s & PhD and common sense to not notice the premise on which the program works! And in regards to everything else I had to say; nothing. I..m not going to turn this column, intended to spread happiness and joy through out the homosexual word into my personal soap box, I just thought you might be interested to see how our national broadcasting organisation has adopted an ostrich like approach to answering disgruntled viewers queries!

Normal service will resume next time with the gay housewife..s indispensable guide to table manners!

Perfect Homosexual Domesticity to you all,
(m)Arthur
x
Say hello at MySpace or email me.

2006-10-16T14:58:00.000+01:00

Fat Witless Homophobia

Dear readers, I warn you now, I am angry and this is about to get political. I was enjoying a pleasant evening in front of my exquisite high definition television with the lovely husband, he wanted to watch Ricky Gervaises “The Extras” on BBC 2, not liking said comedians work myself I decided to indulge my deer man and put up no resistance to viewing what turned out to be publicly sanctioned homophobia. Even more staggering was Sir Ian “I like a young boy” McKellen’s Participation in this work of ill conception. No more than twenty minutes in my dear readers I was forced to leave the room because the bloated cunt Gervais had offended me, the gentile creature that I am, so deeply.

What enraged me thus involved Gervaises, useless actor character, Andy Milman, landing a role in a “gay” play, directed by Sir Ian “I’m here to pull in the pink audience” McKellen. Standing by the stage door on the opening night, some of his butch, city type, uber hetro, rugby type friends from school come to watch the show, he can’t bring himself to divulge the nurture of the play when a flock of egregiously & disgustingly stereotyped gay men parade past our line of stereotyped hetro rugger buggers flaunting all their panto dame credentials in the most appalling display of stereotyping I have seen since “The Black and White Minstrel Show”. Gervais simply cringes and to cut a long story short learns and gains nothing from the experience.

My grudge here is not with the nature of Gervaises comedy or the love him hate him side of his work, in fact I have enjoyed some of the episodes of Extras and have a great respect for the talent of his cohort in the series, the rather lovely Ashley Jensen. What has vexed me thus is I can find no reason for anyone in the public eye to present homosexual behavior in such a two dimensional light other than for cheap gags at a social demographic it is still ok to openly abuse. Clashing two extreme stereotypes on national television can achieve nothing because at the end of the day neither group can learn anything from the exercise and to say you are making a point about using stereotypes in comedy by, gasp, using them in comedy is misguided. To use stereotypes that truly belong in Jim Davidson or Roy Chubby Browns territory is cheap and unnecessary. If Gervaise were doing the same thing with women, ethnic minorities, religions or disabled people he would never have got the script past its first reading. Thankfully in the UK, since 2003, it has been illegal to discriminate in the work place against someone on the basis of his or her sexuality, and name calling and teasing is regarded as harassment. However it should be noted these laws do not affect religious organizations, and the last time I checked the BBC has no religious affiliation.

However the point here is not a legal or spiritual one, it is cultural. As a gay man, I don’t necessarily want to live in London’s gay ghettos of Soho or Stoke-Newington. I want to live where I chose and go places that aren’t just the domain of the homosexual. I wish to live in as much of a heterosexual as homosexual society, and until seeing the extras last night I had never thought this an issue. I have friends who have darling little country cottages where the rural community has welcomed us queer homemakers with cups of tea and open arms; on this evidence I had hoped as a culture we had made it past open season on queers for cheap laughs and easy gags. I was even believing on the evidence of play’s like Angels in America & Bent, films like Happiness or Hedwig and the Angry Inch, books like The Long Firm or Running with Scissors and music like Anthony and the Johnston’s we could move beyond “the gay play/film/book/song” and have arts that presented the full spectrum of gay life with real people and real situations, not flouncing stereotypes stuck in a vicious circle of coming of age story’s, coming out sags and badly dressed drag drams.

How are young gay men and women going to feel safe if blatant homophobia is presented on national television on a Sunday night when they walk into school the following Monday for all their nasty small minded fellow pupils to have such a fixed idea of how the boy or girl who is a bit odd, maybe a bit gay will finally end up? And how is the young gay man or woman to find any reasonable role models when all they are presented is a dumbed down panto dame for a gay man and a bull dyke for a gay woman?

This is an issue that needs to be addressed by the media at large, not just the BBC. The Media’s power to influence public oppinon has never been more powerful and check and balances must be put upon their work. It is worth noting, of all the British terrestrial channels the BBC is the worst of all broad casters in its treatment of Gays in the media. A recent Stonewall survey of the Media found the BBC was five times more likely to present a negative portrayal of a gay man or woman than any other channel and when ever a gay character appears on the BBC he or she is most likely to be both the butt of a joke and a deeply clichéd stereotype. Our only response to this is when ever we see such offence being committed be it in print, on the screen or radio we must make our feelings known by addressing complaint to the relevant bodies and flag it up to Stonewalls Media Monitoring unit.

For us, as gay housewifes to reach our true potentials, we need to live in a society in which we are seen as complete human beings, not two dimensional beings wheeled out when ever a script writer is too lazy to write a real joke. That is my tirade against the media over for today dear readers. It should not be forgotten that the gay housewife is not only a bastion of domestic perfection but a political figure too. We have huge spending power, a large political and media influence and a increasing acceptance, all of which have taken many years of campaigning to change hearts and minds by many men and women who go largely ignored today. We have come so far it would be foolish to stop fighting for a better, fairer life in which we can live happily with our heterosexual counter parts. Normal service shall resume shortly my dear, when we move back to the happier aspects of gay housewifery, but to make this a truly valuable guide sometime we have to step off the marked path a look a little deeper at everything a gay housewife can be.

Love to you all,
(m)Arthur

Say hello at MySpace or email me.

2006-10-06T16:29:00.000+01:00

Umbrella Etiquette
Dear Readers, some of you may have noticed we are heading in to Autumn in the UK which unfortunately means a lot of rain. With rain comes many things such as ruined hair do’s, unsightly rain coats on poor people, Granny’s wearing those funny plastic things on their heads and of course Umbrellas.

While strolling down the street this morning on my way to the Local Organic Bakery to pick up some Olive Focaccia for lunch I had to run a Gauntlet of terror! Yes, dear readers, Londoners seem to forget all their manners the minute it begins to rain and whip out their umbrellas faster than Posh and Beck’s posing for yet another photograph. I nearly had my eye gouged out several times by the prong of many a cheap umbrella hastily purchased from Boots. This could be because I am of course the perfect 6’ 2” male therefore my eye level tends to be above that of the plebs. However, it could also be my heritage, you see dears I was born in Scotland where rain is a permanent fixture of life so I tend to not notice when a few drops fall from the sky, unlike the hordes who try to take my eyes out the minute they feel their internal barometer tripping the scales.

To save you my dears from becoming one of these umbrella-toting hooligans I offer the following guidance for when it rains:
- Why are you somewhere it is raining? Surely one should only spend May through to September in the UK, fleeing to warmer climbs for the winter months. If you have to live here all year round have a word with your husband about freeing up some assets to purchase some property in the sun.
- Obviously you won’t be using public transport, so make sure you drive, or are driven, between covered areas only.
- Have someone carry your umbrella for you, at least then you won’t be responsible for forking out someone’s eye.
- Stay in Selfridges / Harvey Nicks / Harrods / Waitrose (delete as appropriate) until it stops raining.
- Carry some hand painted bamboo chopsticks for poking the eyes of the bastards who skewer you with their umbrellas. You may as well get some finely accessorized revenge.

So my dears, please follow this advice and stop yourselves from becoming animals with umbrellas! Love and dryness to you all!

Love to you all

Arthur
x

Say hello at MySpace or email me.

2006-10-03T16:41:00.000+01:00

Gay Divorce – Who gets the Bone China?
This week’s topic has an unusual gravity my dears. Being a gay housewife is not all bright smiles and well-decorated cakes, no my dears, it can mean tackling serious and troubling issues. As I have previously mentioned, my studies at Cambridge concentrated on the application of gay housewifery to alleviate social injustice. This led me to chair many worthy charities such as “Bake Sales for Justice” and “Embroidery for the Emancipation Women”, plus many more causes worthy of any gay housewife’s attentions.

Gay Divorce is no exception to the cannon of the gay housewife’s attentions. While only a few weeks ago I was exalting the merits of gay marriage I feel it is only fair I should give due attention to the sad subject of gay divorce, something I hope neither myself nor any of you my dears has to experience. The build up can be protracted, the break up chaotic, the recriminations deeply unpleasant and the fight over the bone china last months in a court of law. It must be remembered, after a few years of running a home with the kind of iron fisted determination it takes to create perfection, when wronged the gay housewife is well placed to exact his revenge.

There are generally 4 causes of Gay Divorce, all usually the partners’ fault, rarely the gay housewife’s and all grounds for serious compensation. From my studies I have concluded these are:
- Slobbery; the husband is discovered to be a slob, and most likely from Hull. Despite counseling and shock therapy he still wants to travel on Ryan Air or shop at IKEA. Divorce is inevitable.
- Relocation; the husbands work wants to take him to some god forsaken Island in the middle of the north sea or Birmingham, reasoning with him fails. Again divorce is inevitable.
- Financial; the husband refuses to give you a suitable allowance or allow you to work. Clearly the man is stuck in the Victorian ages and has no clue how to treat a gentleman. Skip any kind of discussion and reach for the decree nici.
- Violence or Infidelity. Neither are nice or acceptable but you will get more in the divorce settlement.

Whatever the cause, if you find yourself facing a divorce it is essential the settlement rules in your favor. Often as a gay housewife you will have little or no money of your own because you have forsaken your own career to care and nurture for your husband, therefore, his achievements, promotions, possessions and money are as much yours as they are his. It is important to make this very clear when you begin divorce proceedings. I suggest making a long list of everything you have done to further your man and presenting this to your divorce attorney. This may be painful but now it is time for revenge, not sniveling over a bottle of Chablis with Streisand playing in the background. Remember your man has betrayed your trust; he may have hidden his slobbery, beaten you or failed to listen to your reasoned arguments for an increase in your allowance. This kind of betrayal must not be easily forgotten and can only be forgiven with a 40 to 50% settlement sum. If you’re looking for hints, take a look at this list. All those housewives did a fine job of milking their former husbands for a very respectable sum. It must also be remembered that recently judges have been ruling that maintenance costs can go beyond that of living costs and the sum should reflect the contribution the housewife made to the marriage. So at least if you have to endure such an unpleasant process the law is stacked in your favor!

However, the real dilemma is not a financial one, it is a social one. The Corbusier sideboard is one thing, but who gets the friends is another. For some reason ex-husbands seem to think they are entitled to a fair share in this area, after all, you are only taking half of his money not all of it so why should you have all the friends? Simply put: who’s cooking, decorating, charm and social poise made them your friends in the first place? Your husband, working all day, simply walking into a Dinner Party, or you, who spent hours lovingly preparing party after party, charming the right neighbors and thrilling his boss with your diamond sharp whit? There’s no real discussion here. You take it all. No doubt when he finds his next husband the poor fool will create a circle of friends for him as sublime as before for him only to lose them again when his nasty little habits surface.

So fellow poofs, please for your own dignity make sure you get as much money and as many assets as you can and leave no friend behind, and if one of your dear friends is going through an ugly divorce please pass this advice on. Remember, we have each other as well as our husbands so stick together my dears and you’ll be down the isle with a true gentleman in no time. Please name and shame your ex-husbands at MySpace or email me and together we will create perfect homosexual domesticity for all.

Love you all
(m)Arthur
x

2006-09-25T17:38:00.000+01:00

Genital Fiddling – Stop It

Dear all, it is so good to be back from my travels. You will be glad to know the only thing I could do with Pete and Nikki was take them both to the vets and have them put down. It was the only humane thing to do for them and us. They will now be in doggy heaven – how nice. Anyway, we have deviated long enough from furthering our homosexual homemaking selves and it is high time the lessons continued. If we let standards slip in the home then we may as well throw the world as we know it to the dogs. Imagine what would happen if we housewives were to begin neglecting our duties? Our men would go to work lacking that spring we boys put in their step every night, their suits wouldn’t be pressed, shoes would go un-shined and they wouldn’t have a nutritious yet delicious home cooked meal to look forward to at the end of the day. This would result in poor performance at work thus the homosexual underpinning of society would collapse, bringing down with it the government, the city and show biz in one fel-swoop. So to selflessly avoid disaster we must continue teaching ourselves how to be a tour de force around the home.

I would like to bring an all-together more serious tone to this week’s column by addressing a very worrying trend of excessive genital fiddling and present my agenda for change. This revolting behavior became worryingly apparent to me on my recent travels on behalf of the, now thankfully dead, Pete and Nikki. This little job required travel outside of the M25. I know dear readers, I hear your cry of shock for I only leave the safe confines of the dear London orbital in one of two situations: in an airplane or heading to Virgin’s Drive through Check-in at Heathrow. However, for the sake of my country I had to make an exception.

So having made the gracious gesture of accepting work outside of the M25 I was to find they want me to go to Birmingham! As previously discussed Birmingham is actually an acceptable place to locate yourself in the UK due to the recent addition of a Selfridges and Harvey Nicks. However, one thing Birmingham doesn’t have is civility, and it was this worrying lack of politesse that brought this rather disturbing trend in our chavey heterosexual brethren to my attentions. It would seem rather suddenly chav men have developed the need to aggressively grope themselves in public displays of cock-worthiness. Now I am aware all of us with complicated external genitalia occasionally need to make a small adjustment to the lye of the land, but the need for such actions can be greatly reduced by supportive yet sexy underwear and a little tact can go a long way. There is simply no need to make such an aggressive public spectacle of adjusting ones self.

In addition to the genital juggling, the hetro man has developed a permanent itch all over his torso. He needs to regularly scratch his torso while showing us his excuse for a “toned” six-pack or fucking big fat belly(I know – fat people are still legal!)? After witnessing display after display of puzzling hetro-chav behavior I was left wondering why does he needs to brazenly expose himself in public?

The causes could be wide and varied, and I do not pretend to be an expert on mental disorders, but clearly one is taking over the country. Dear readers, I believe the men of the breeding chav population are feeling both endangered and emasculated by the growing power of two groups: the women and the gays. Collectively we have never had so much power and independence from our heterosexual male counterparts. No longer do we need to cower in subjugation and that frightens them. Traditionally they have beaten both women and gay’s physically and symbolically into second place and now we are collectively saying no and they are running scared, looking for any little way to regain some of their former control, so, simple creatures that they are, they have chosen to repeatedly wave their symbol of manhood in our faces.

Well, fuck me with one of said penises, what a brilliant idea - wankers! To us educated and sublime creatures watching man retreat to his prehistoric self proves evolution really is working but what can they possibly hope to gain from such actions? Do they think we will forget hundreds of years of progress, drop to our knees and beg for them to protect us with their big dicks? They are clearly as deluded in their intentions as their actions. Quite simply all their genital posturing serves no purpose other than to mark them out as the weaker species, waiting for Darwin’s hand to swipe them from existence.

Fuck me, what came over me, I went all butch lesbian for a moment. Political ruminations aside, the fact remains it is not nice to watch and what are we going to do about it? Well my dears, fear not, I have a simple plan that will cause chaos for about a week but should swiftly solve the problem. For the ladies, please start inserting your tampons or applying your sanitary towels in the middle of the street, for the lady lesbians, stop having sex, it will kill the breeding men and all woman kind please aggressively fiddle with your under wiring at every possible opportunity. For you gay boy’s, who cares where it is, simply commit regular public sodomy and discuss accessorizing and color tone in fabric loudly in public. With such an aggressive backlash from the ones the groin jerks are trying to suppress they will realize the battle has been lost and promptly surrender themselves into our service and the whole world will be lovely again!

There we go my dears, real problems and real solutions from the lessons of homemaking. I could be prime minister – of course. Anyone with other ideas on how to stop the fiddling please let me know at MySpace or email and together we can create the perfect society. Love and homo happiness to you all,

(m)Arthur
x

2006-09-21T13:16:00.000+01:00

Dearest Readers,
Apologies for the not having posted any handy homosexual homemaking hints in the past week. I have had to go away on unexpected, yet very important business. I have been hired to salvage Pete and Nikki's relationship, dismal home arrangements and in general stop them from being so cheap; how many covers of Heat magazine can you be on before you've sold your sole to EMAP?

To anyone familiar with these two you will be only too aware of the awesome task this is; the wedding cake they were thinking of buying, one word: common.

I am sorry saving such a tawdry pair has had to come at your expense. I have nearly finished salvaging some sense of dignity from these miserable creatures. My plan; Pete will lose all the nasty emo dressings and more importantly drop Nikki, and go on to become a gay fashion icon and our our bleached perma tanned tart Nikki will go on to become a Pramface in Croydon as has always been her destiny!

Normal service resumes next week my dears, until then, I wish you all perfect homosexual domesticity.

(m)Arthur X

2006-09-10T18:09:00.000+01:00

How to Find a Husband – Especially a Rich one

Dear readers, welcome back once more. I do so enjoy our time together each week; its so nice to be able to discuss homo homemaking with other like minded queers and not those who believe DFS and KBBC Kitchens You Can Afford (no, really, it exists) to be the pinnacles of quality home furnishings!

As a happily married gay housewife I oft use the phrase “you and your partner” or “my husband and I”. Yes, one could be forgiven for thinking to qualify for gay housewifery one must be in wedlock. Well, my dears, this simply isn’t the case. You can easily run a perfectly poofy home without a better half, for we live in the 21st century. In this liberated day and age you will not be viewed as a freak if you still live alone at 30, unmarried without even a boyfriend or so much as a husband in residence. You can be “just me” very happily these days; we have holidays, web sites, societies and all manner of services for single people. However a word of caution; all these services for the single man are subtly aimed at ending your single status!
This is for the very good reason that in this homo-liberated age it is perfectly ok to be single up to about 49 but in the eyes of the world there is clearly something very wrong with an unmarried man over the age of 50. Until the world comes round to sad truth that gay men stop being all tanned and shiny and actually get old, I would suggest being single as much as you wish throughout your 20’s and 30’s, but don’t leave it until much after 40 until you settle down properly. After all, as the girls in Sex and the City, or SATC, quite successfully proved, one can be single and fabulous and shout about it for at least five seasons, but come the sixth season and your 40th birthday all the successfully single bollocks of your 20’s and 30’s is replaced by the beckoning of marriage!

I can hear some of you gasping out there but there is nothing to be feared in marriage my dears. It is now legal in many European countries, most recently the UK and Spain and is possible certain states in the US, and while these marriages may not be recognized by the Church they are recognized by the state, extending you the full rites offered to pairings of breeders. Some in the queer community rail against gay marriage on the basis of it being a heterosexual convention with no place in gay society, while at the same time demanding equality in the work place and in the eyes of the law! To these confused queers, who probably never got over being from Hull, I offer this; if you really want equality, rather than a excuse to mince around with a rainbow flag in the odd parade, the only way to beet the breeders is to play them at their own game! Before they know it they will come to the painful realization that the gay mafia runs not only show business but the world, the pink pound has more muscle than Venice Beech and we only allow Chavs to buy their Burberry so we can have dirty sexual fantasies about them!

After all my dears, there is something quite wonderful in having someone to share your life with, to cook for, to clean for, to always know where your next shag is coming from and of course to have the perfect co-hosts for the ultimate Dinner party. I find it comforting to know that my husband, William, and I will grow older together, have our first cosmetic surgery together, cause a riot on our first Gay SAGA holiday together and be buried in only the most stylish of graveyards side by side. After all my dears, having a husband allows you to realize your true potential, as a gay housewife! Yes, you can stop working and live off his money!

So how to find this elusive, and ideally rich, creature? Below you will find my suggestions for the best places to look and those that are well worth avoiding…
- Gaydar; well you can try my dears but I doubt you’ll find a keeper here. This new facet to gay society is fine if you like wanking on web cams but such behavior is especially vulgar, speaks of worrying social detachment and could mean your are a flouncing ninny (see Location, Location, Location). However there maybe a gaydarite you can convince to give you the down payment on a two bed in Chelsea (like the Upper East Side) in return for certain favors! Lets face it, these days it is hard to get on the property ladder!
- Match.com; let face it all of us have had a go at finding love on the internet and Match.com has a healthy collection of fine men, generally all looking to settle down and make a home. Perfect! Plus it has the added advantage of allowing you to search by income!
- Lonely Hearts Columns; First pick a decent newspaper - Guardian, Independent, Times and if you must Telegraph, but no Tabloids. Generally the men you will find here are a little odd, usually those who haven't figured out or are scared of the Internet. Dear reader a queer who hasn't worked out the Internet is a worrying thing. Sites such as gaydar.com, manhunter.com and gay.com have huge power to dictate the direction of queer culture. Men and women who are not wise to this are clearly out of touch with the modern world, therefore modern trends in decoration, travel and food are most likely to have passed them by. These people should be treated with both sympathy and caution. I would not recommend marriage with one of these creatures
- Join a Country Club; This method is most likely to deliver a true gentleman. One tends to find a better class of man in England’s finer country clubs due to exhaustive selection committees designed to keep the chavs and plebs out. However, due to the largely heterosexual nature of these places, ones chances of success are narrow.
- Dinner Parties; Throw a dinner party for, say eight friends and get them to bring along a friend new to your social grouping. This is an ideal way to find a man; you know he can’t be a freak because he is associated with your wonderful friends, you can see how well he scrubs up for a polite dinner, charm him with your sparkling and witty conversation and win him over with your cooking; yes my dears, the way to a mans heart really is through his stomach. This is after all how I met my wonderful William.
- Join the Board of a Charity; Us gays are habitual do-gooders and rich ones can often be found on the boards of various charities. Not only is this a good way to use an afternoon or two a week, but you get to give something back to the world and possibly sort yourself out for life at the same time!
- Some Times it Just Happens; Yes, one can not make love happen. Despite your best efforts, you may not be able to find the perfect man when you look too hard. Sometimes it is just best to sit back and see who comes along. Having said that you can help the situation by never forgetting to cleanse, tone and moisturize, use a lifting mask twice a week, never leave the house looking shabby or with out a fine, but subtle, eau de toilette and always iron you clothing. This will ensure you are always presenting distinguished air of class and allure to any potential suitors.

Now, if all of the above fail to get you hitched then you are beyond help! However if anyone has any further suggestions or where to dig up that perfect match please feel free to get in touch through MySpace or email. Similarly, I would love to hear of how you fabulous creatures out there found your husbands!

Next week: Gay Divorce: Who gets the bone china?

2006-09-06T19:18:00.000+01:00

Location, Location, Location
Greetings gentle reader. Firstly, apologies for being so late in publishing this week; I have been on holiday but my return has been continually delayed by faux terror threats and diverted aircraft. Now I have safely returned from my little break to a friends Scottish Castle it is time to move onwards with this guide.

This week I would like to focus on where to locate your perfect gay home. This is one of the most important decisions you and your partner can make for it will effect your social network, access to important supplies and of course where you make your home says a great deal about you. Making an error here can be one of the most costly mistakes your queer cheque book can make for the cost of buying and establishing the perfect house hold is only limited by your imagination. To only find two years later you have set up home near a Chav hot spot, such as Ashford, would not only be heart breaking but costly to rectify.

Now, lets start with the big picture. First one must chose a city. The countryside is only for secondary residences; what are you going to do when the nearest jar of quince jelly is 100 miles away, you’ve run out and your guests are fast approaching your front door? Face social shame? No; you live in a fucking city. Got it? Good. Now here in the UK there are 5 permissible cities for the gay housewife to create his home in. In order of acceptability they are: London (of course), Glasgow, Edinburgh, Manchester and Birmingham. That latter only makes the list due to the recent addition of a Selfridges and redevelopment of the city centre and if it all gets too much it is only two hours from London. Manchester rates so poorly because, bizarrely, it is too gay! You see my dears, the gay housewife is not a creature who lives solely to serve his sexuality’s stereotypes. While I have to admit homemaking is a stereotypically poofy activity, they gay housewife is above all a gentleman of class and taste who happens to take it up the bum; he is not a flouncing ninny, mincing down Old Compton or Canal Street, smothered in orange perma-tan, lisping into his bejeweled mobile phone dragging a rat-like lap dog in a Louis Viton “dog” bag in his wake. Men of this disposition should be treated with suspicion because they usually have poor house keeping skills due to spending all their waking hours with a fiver up their nose and a cock up their arse.

Anyway, moving on, should you need or simply want to live abroad the following are currently acceptable: Paris, Madrid, Berlin, Rome, Stockholm, Moscow, Istanbul, Bombay (or Mumbai), Tokyo, Taipei, Melbourne, Vancouver, Rio, Buenos Aires, Chicago and of course New York. Beirut had just made the list in recent months for it only to be removed this July because it simply is not safe to make your home there any more. This saddens me and I hope for the situation to be peacefully resolved soon. All of these cities have made the list due to the excellent choice of real estate, the vast range of products and services the gay housewife requires are well catered for and they are all cultural hubs for their regions. Plus the local populaces are generally quite tolerant of a polite homosexual or two. Finally it should not be forgotten all of the above are also ideal locations for second homes or shopping and cultural breaks.
I am currently investigating Buenos Aries as a location for a suitable second home in which William, my husband, and myself can hide away from the British winter, I hope to close a deal on a darling little house on the sea front in the next few weeks.

Now, back to the UK. Once you have selected a city in which to set up home it is important to chose a suitable location within that city. Sadly dear readers there simply isn’t time for me to go through all the desirable districts of all the cities mentioned here so to help you with you decision making here are some simple tests to perform on any perspective area:
• Waitrose Test: If there is not a Waitrose within 3 miles of easy driving from where you are thinking of buying for the love of all that is good DON’T BUY. A similar principal can also be applied to the proximity of a John Lewis or Habitat. For my dear American readers, I would think about how close you would be to, say Bloomingdales or its nearest equivalent.
• Leaf Test: Although not the most reliable test, the more leafy and green your area is the better it will be.
• Emergency Deli Test: How long does it take to you get to the nearest deli? Any longer than 20 minutes is totally unacceptable.
• Post Code test: This really only applys to the UK, but the fewer letters and lower the numbers the better you are doing.
• City Centre to City Limits Test: Calculate the mileage form your perspective abode to city centre and city limits. If the Mileage to the city limits is lower than that to the city centre look again.
• Chav-alanch Test: One does not want to live near a hot bed of chavs therefore, drive a Burberry Print Vauxhall Nova down the local high street, if more people look on admiringly than spit at it keep looking.
• If you see signs saying “NO DSS” in estate agents windows, the area is not for you.

Following these simple rules can make a huge difference to how happy you and your partner are in your new home. However, it should be noted these test are by no means comprehensive. It is important not to forget, in choosing where to locate your perfect poofy home one of the most decisive factors are your own fine homosexual homemaking instincts; at all times trust in these to guide you through this process and you will land on your feet.

So there we have it my dears, a basic and brief guide to locating your perfect homosexualist home. If you have any questions or comments on how to find the perfect home please get in touch via MySpace or email. I love to hear what you think. Until next time; homosexual happiness to you all.

Next time: How to find a Husband!

2006-08-30T17:42:00.000+01:00

N.B. Now updated with mostly correct spelling; I really should stop dictating these things but finding the time to write it myself! Anyway, read on with, hopefully, correct spelling...

A Brief History
Welcome back dear readers for another installment of this indispensable guide to Homosexual Happiness in the Home. We are now well underway on our journey through the wonderful world of queer housekeeping and I hope you are enjoying our time together. If not, as I have previously said, you are probably a slob therefore should close the browser on your cheap computer, switch it off, put on a velour tracksuit and hang out by a bus stop with other kindred spirits.

Now for those of you with true potential I feel I should share with you a bit about myself so you can understand where I came from and what motivates me in the home. I have had much the same asked by several eager readers so now I will share all with you. Dear readers, I was born in Windsor where I grew up in a charming little English hamlet named, Little Dimsbottom. It was while at secondary school in Home Economics classes under the fine tutelage of the veritable Mrs Dinney that I became interested in domesticity. I was a wiz with budgeting for the home, darning socks came easily, I could make a pinney blindfolded (an apron for my American readers) and could whip up a nutritionally balanced yet tasty meal for a family of four in a matter of minutes. My mother was on a permanent holiday in her own home and by the time I was 15 I didn’t even need recipe books – I was writing them. Where do you think Jamie Oliver got his inspiration? Me behind a bike shed – that’s where; and we all know how the gay housewife feels about him!

Anyway, showing early promise I was chosen to attend the “Conservatoire pour la Maison Homosexuelle”*, a queer finishing school in San Francisco. It was there in the view of the Golden Gate’s massive span I honed my skills as a host, studying every thing from embroidery to scrap booking to cuisines of the world. My crowning achievement was, at only 18 years of age, throwing a lavish dinner party for 250 Naval Officers on shore leave. Yes, at that tender age my skills were stretched, but the throbbing round of applause I received at the end of the night showed me my destiny was as a host in my own perfect homosexual home.

However, at this point I was not ready to be married and settle down. Although my already massive experience as a host was no small achievement I still felt rough around the edges, however I was soon to find my polish. While holidaying in the South of France with my parents the summer after graduating with honors and decorations from Conservatoire pour la Maison Homosexuelle we visited my “single” uncle, Tristan’s chateau, beautifully named, Le Grand Bite. It was here I first truly saw perfect homosexual domesticity; his interior decoration was sublime, the chateau’s grounds were kept in excellent condition, his cooking was exceptional and he managed the help with a firm but fair hand. It was while sipping a fine Veuve Clicquot on his terrace overlooking the grandeur of the Alps he happened to mention his “friend”, who lived with him, was establishing a degree course in Homosexual Housekeeping at Cambridge University, commencing in October the following year. At once I knew this was the only course for me and I would be its star pupil.

After taking a gap year helping those suffering from scrap booking and needle work disasters I commenced my studies at Peterhouse College, Cambridge, under the watchful eye of, evidently, my uncles partner, the wonderful Harry McBurney. Here I was able to experiment with all areas of homemaking with absolute freedom to both succeed and fail; it was bliss. Sometime during the spring of my second year we were lucky enough to have a guest lecture from the renowned homemaker and philanthropist Edwin DuPrez. The title of his speech was “Healing through Homemaking”, he had done a great deal of research on the regenerative powers running a good home can have on the individual, with particular reference to those who lived in Hull. He had successfully used devices such as hosting dinner parties, cake decorating and antiquing to rehabilitate over 14 gay men from Hull. To this day they are all running happy homes in London – some of them were even Chavs. To say I was inspired by his work is an understatement; DuPrez showed me my profession was not something solely for the benefit of the gay family unit, but society as a whole. I took this new approach to the heart of my work, which resulted in “Chavs – causes and potential remedies using homemaking as a cure”, my prize-winning thesis. This helped me achieve a double first and, unsurprisingly, come out top of my class.

It was only natural that I should go on to do my MHomoEc with such a success at an undergraduate level. I continued Du Prez’s healing through homemaking approach to my studies with “When Functionality fails in the Kitchen and it’s effect on the mind of the gay housewife” as my MHomoEc research topic and achieved a similar success to my undergrad dissertation. It was also during this year I met my now husband, William Haughton Riess Bullock, at the time an Economics’ MEc student. He was a benefactor of “Bake Sales for Justice”, a society I ran at Peterhouse and through that association he came to one of my many fabulous dinner parties thrown in aid of the poor. Bing a proper gentleman he called on my rooms a few days later to thank me for my hospitality so I invited him in for a cup of coffee. We hit it off over my divine home roast Columbian and Robusta blend, and well, the rest is history.

After completing my MHomoEc I wanted nothing more than to make a home with William but I also wanted to bring my studies to their final conclusion, in the form of a Phd, yes my dears, I wanted to be a doctor of Homo Economics. I was fortunate enough to be able to kill two birds with one stone when Lloyds of London sought William out for a top job in the city. This provided an ideal opportunity. “Perfect Homosexual Domesticity for the Gay Housewife”, my Phd, could now be fully researched and written for William now had the means for us to set up a magnificent first home, in which I could conduct my research. Yes my dears, that Phd research is the basis for this guide you are now reading.

Sadly William and I are not in our wonderful first home any more. However, we sold at a profit and moved for William to be closer to his work and for me to be closer to the resources every gay housewife needs i.e. Harrods, Waitrose and Spa’s. We now live in a thoroughly modern 3-floor loft conversion in Shorditch, taking occasional weekend breaks to our cottage in Devon. So there we have it dear readers, me and my life. I hope you have enjoyed reading about my truly blessed life. Remember, you to can live like I do simply by following my handy hints. If you have any questions or tips please feel free to get in touch via MySpace or email

Next time: Location, location, location; where to locate your perfect gay home.

*any good housewife speaks French so I will not translate – I suggest an evening course if your linguistic skills are lacking.

2006-08-22T15:06:00.000+01:00

Hero’s and Villains of the Gay Housewife
Dear readers, something everyone has in their lives are hero’s and villains, those who inspire us and those who drive us up the wall; the gay housewife is no exception to this, for you yourself should be a hero in others eyes, setting an example to the world of how to achieve and maintain perfect homosexual domesticity. When growing up we all had our role models and as we have got older they have grown with us. Many of the men and women below I have admired since they first appeard in the public conscious and others are more recent additions. I have also decided to add marital objects to this list as these are certain things we aspire to own or have committed our lives to destroying.

It was while watching my rather attractive Polish gardener, Fattieb, trimming my privot, that my good friends Pearl Latrine; the renowned designer, Tibby Boulét; artist and print maker, Lola Lamonde; Pulitzer winning writer and I came up the with following list of the Hero’s and Villains of not only the gay housewife, but all housewives the world over.

Hero's

Delia Smith - I am quite a fan of this lady. I have already recommended her books, but it is what she has done for food in the United Kingdom that I really admire her for. She picked up the gauntlet of good food from where the dearly departed Fanny Cradock left it. She has taught us to do everything from simply boiling an egg to preparing a middle-eastern feast for 20, and in the process netted herself millions and bought a football team. She is the Martha Stewart of the British lies, but without the scandal!

James Martin - Saturday Kitchen, BBC1 - Food Porn. Need I say more. (My American readers should got to the BBC’s rather good web site for more information)

Nigella Lawson – She has made cooking sexy again. Delia, bless her, is too much like your mum to make food truly sexy, but our Nigella is a bit of a treacle tart, never afraid to disguise her ample wrack and all those close up of her putting chocolate laden spoons into her mouth – need I say more.

Nigel Slater - He has turned food writing into a new form of pornography!

Bree Van De Kamp - While not real we can all aspire to her orderly house keeping, conservative yet exquisite decorating and remarkable collection twin sets. Recent research has shown she may own more twin sets than our own Queen Elizabeth.

Lynette Scavo - The only other Desperate house wife to make the cut. She manages a hectic life both at home and at work but still looks fabulous in a little black dress and once she gets rid of those kids I am sure her house will become a palace.

Ruth Fisher - Again, not real but her furious sense of order and rigorous tidying skills make her true idol of the housewife.

Fern Britain - Expertly filling Judy’s shoes to keep this morning the treat it is. N.b. please ignore any stylistic advice the program gives you unless you live in Hull.

Martha Stewart - Illicit share dealing aside - she brought the idea of the modern housewife to millions and made millions doing it. Truly a sister doing it for herself.

Edith Bowman - While she has no house keeping skills I know of, her radio show is the perfect thing to get you through a heavenly afternoon of ironing or preparing dinner for 20.

Demons

Anthea Turner - Has recently presented a program about how to be a perfect housewife - how - fucking – dare - she! And it’s on BBC3! Talk about career suicide!

Chavs - Does anyone really need to ware all that man made fiber?
Wheely shopping bags - Don't you have someone to do that for you?

Laurence Llewllyn Bowen - Has anyone done more harm to the queer cause without actually being gay? Not only has he ruined the idea of good interior decoration by making common people think they can have nice homes but he flounces around like the faggiest of fags. BBC - please stop this nonsense.

Graham Norton - Ruined many a young queers sense of style with his collection of vile suits and sets that looked like a branch of Habitat vomited in a television studio. Shame - he used to be funny.

Economy Lines in Supermarkets - Why eat cheese when you can have a lump of plastic for 20p less? And just because the product is cheap provides no excuse for poor product design.

Jamie Oliver - Aside from being a fat lipped mockney cunt, he's conned millions of crap cooks into believing they can easily prepare a fabulous meal for 10! I don't think so. Oh, and that wife of his – lips!

Ready meals - The is no excuse for subject you and your man to such cuisine. If you know you are not going to have time to cook, prepare something the night before or go to a fucking restaurant. There is no excuse for eating plastic food from plastic with plastic cutlery.

Economy Airlines - Yes, I wanted to use Luton Airport (shit shopping) and treated like Veal Calf on a Boeing 737 and covered in puke while drinking Vodka shots that come out of plastic sachets! And don’t even go into toilets unless you are shagging one of the many Chav’s who frequent these airlines. Please be a gentleman and use British Airways.

So boy’s there we have it; the hero’s and villains of the gay housewife. For easy reference I suggest printing this list and sticking it to the notice board in the kitchen. It will provide a constant source of inspiration and a cautionary restraint should you find yourself slipping from hero to villain. As ever I am always keen to hear what my readers think so if you have any further people, items or places you feel should be added to this list please get in touch via MySpaceor email. Until next time dear readers, happy homemaking.

Next Time: A brief History of Me!

2006-08-19T15:02:00.000+01:00

Creating The Perfect Kitchen:
The Kitchen is the strong hold of every gay housewife and the centre of his home. This is the most important room in the house to perfect before moving on to the rest of your home. Without a well designed and functional (yes this normally dirty word is allowed in the kitchen) you cannot run a successful household. Simple tasks such as preparing a Gruyere and Trogon soufflé with char grilled asparagus or producing several extensive flower arrangements for a dinner party will fill you with dread rather than insurmountable pleasure. This is why we have to allow functionality into the kitchen. The enemy of truly inspiring design, functionality has ruined many a fine design concept. I’d love to see what Herzog + de Meuron would come up with it people didn’t actually have to use their buildings. Just image the Tate modern without the fucking tourists! Aesthetic dreaming aside, it is possible to combine both the functional and the beautiful, it just takes a little time and effort. Look to Wallpaper and Elle Interiors for inspiration and of course your own highly developed sense of style.

When you have wrestled to “functional” into your consciousness it is worth taking your time over the planning of this room since as a happy housewife you will spend a great deal of time in this room performing one joyous task after another. Therefore it is important to spend as much as you can afford or squeeze you husband hard for cash when fitting out this you room. I would say anything between £15,000 and £30,000 is an acceptable sum. If you spend any less there is every chance the neighbors will have a superior kitchen and spending any more is quite simply brazen. Very clever people can often produce computer pictures of what your kitchen will look like when all is done. I highly recommend seeking this option, as it will allow you look for potential problems i.e. will a spatula be in easy reach while standing at you 6 hob NEF chrome range? This error unchecked could ruin many a fine dish and dare I say cause long term damage to your mental health.

Once decided on layout, the style of your kitchen is entirely up to you. You should choose something that reflects your personality. I.e. you read the Guardian therefore recycled materials, economy, ecology and middle class guilt are all things to keep an eye out for, or you may work in the city therefore will probably want every thing coated in black ash with chrome trimmings. While black and chrome are perfectly acceptable aesthetic choices please avoid the black ash, the 80’s are well over, try something like acrylic or even treated coal. I personally have gone for a sleek modern kitchen by Rational Die Kuche and tiling by Bisazza. Needless to say, all the neighbors envy me.

When you have planned, built and decorated the kitchen of your dreams you are now ready to make this room the hub of your home. There is no practical method to this other than time a dedication to your task, however I can offer the following handy hints:
- Food; its preparation and consumption are, of course, the kitchens primary use therefore by its very nature people, will be drawn to this room
- Socializing; eating is a very social activity and by providing meals such a breakfast, light lunches and evening meals in the kitchen will ensure your man come to you rather than you seeking him in your vast home.
- Install a music system – music playing gently in the background will draw people to a room and make tiresome chores fly by.

Finally dear readers, some suggested reading for the kitchen:
Nigel Slater, Any book he’s ever written
Gents, as I will say again and again through out this homage à la maison, in order to achieve results in the home one simply has to be able to deliver in the kitchen above all else and at all cost. Nigel, God-Bless him, has many exciting but very simple recipes that work time and time again. I recommend this veritable volume to the beginner and the advanced alike. He also writes about food in a highly sexual manner, which along with a good spin cycle, is guaranteed to brighten up a rainy Tuesday afternoon!

Delia Smith, Any book she’s ever written
She has dragged the British public's idea of food out of the dark ages. Now we all know what Basil is! Thank you for the food, for giving it to me!

Nigella (who needs no surname), Any book’s ever written
A lady with no fear of calories - her chocolate puddings have brought more happiness to the queer world than Freddie Ljungberg’s CK adverts.

Finally dear readers, please feel free to get in touch to share handy household tips and any hot decorating tips you have!

Next time: Icons and Demons of the gay Housewife! Anthea Turner watch out!

Find me on MySpace and be my friend!

2006-08-15T21:58:00.000+01:00

Dear Readers,
First my personal congratulations on reading this blogg. Weather you are a tour de force around the home or are looking to hone your domestic skills you have taken the first step towards the beautiful home and perfect life. I have many years of experience keeping and managing a beautiful homosexual home, looking after my fine man, holding a high standing in my local community and even an incredibly successful career. Over the following months I will share with you my secrets on how to be the perfect gay housewife.

But before we go any further I feel it is worth taking a few moments to explore who the gay house wife is and what characteristics he posses. He is a relative new phenomenon, bourn out of an increasingly liberalized society, civil partnership, the pink pound and Elton and David.

The term “gay housewife” should not be misinterpreted. The label housewife does not necessarily mean he stays at home. It is entirely possible that the gay housewife continues to work while running the home, sometimes holding positions of great power in business. However, while, maintaining a position in industry he proudly wares the title housewife because one of his greatest passions in life is his home and the activities surrounding its running.

Of course, it is also entirely possible he may chose (or be lucky enough) not to work but remain at home while his partner earns a fortune. Either way, the gay housewife is a man with a great ambition for his home. He will, of course, have excellent taste and this will be reflected in the look and feel of his home. Decisions regarding color schemes, furnishings and fabrics will have been made with meticulous detail and a contemporary eye before the workmen begin their labors. Of course he does not follow the crowds or immediately jump to what ever is currently the height of interior fashion. He will be bold and individual in his aesthetic decision-making resulting in a truly unique and personal environment for him and his partner to live in.

More often than not he will be an excellent cook creating both nutritious and exciting meals. He will be well versed in many international flavors and always on the look out for something exciting and new. He believes in using only the finest ingredients he can afford and can often be found in farmers markets purchasing fresh, organic meat and vegetables. Throwing a large dinner party for 4 or 20 of his fabulous friends in not a chore but an opportunity to be savored since he can show off both his fine skills in the kitchen and wonderful new dinner service from Heals.

Not only is the home at the centre of his life, his man is too. Now those of you who don’t currently have a man, fear not, if you follow my advice in the coming months on how to find a Husband you to will be able to share in the joys of the beautiful home with another sole. However, one does not necessarily need a man to be a good housewife, because keeping a wonderful home is as much for yourself as it is for others. The gay housewife who has a man will know how to please him be it with an intimate candle lit dinner at home, in the bedroom or anywhere in the house, and, of course, if he has chosen his partner wisely his attentions will be rewarded with attention, gifts, holidays and more. After all boys, this isn’t the 1950’s, it is perfectly alright to expect an equal parity in your relationship.

Finally and above all else the gay housewife will be a gentleman. He will be gentile and courteous with others, make sparkling dinner conversation, handle heated discussion with a fair and even hand and always treat his man and home with love and respect.

Now, dear reader, for a word of caution, not every queer who aspires to domestic bliss will make it. This is a sad fact but it must be addressed properly. As I have discovered some try only to fail and the fall out is not a pretty sight; poorly chosen color scheme’s, couples in matching outfits, pictures bought from Ikea, a dry martini that is too wet, the list goes on my friends and it can make truly horrific reading. Can you imagine seeing a Footballer’s “biography” in your presence let alone on coffee tables - in your friends home! I will stop the grim tales because I am only upsetting myself.

You could have to face the very real fact you are a slob, but have become so wrapped up in your middle class values the your truly vulgar nature is hidden beneath layers of social conditioning. To save yourself the crushing pain of failing to be the perfect gay housewife and others the abhorrent sight of your failure I recommend you answer the following questions to see weather you are gay housewife material.
- What is a Mojito?
- Do you shop in Ikea?
- Where would you find a dado rail?
- Is it impolite to put ones glass down without drinking after making a toast?
So how did we do? If you answered cocktail, no, on a wall and yes; Welcome, a truly exciting journey begins here! If you simply don’t understand a Mojito or shop in Ikea, I am truly sorry. There is no hope for you. Please put this book down, gay housewifery is not for you. Instead of trying to improve yourself, I suggest you make some baked beans on toast and watch an episode of Casualty – that is more your level.

Next time; The Kitchen - the heart of every home.