Hero’s and Villains of the Gay Housewife
Dear readers, something everyone has in their lives are hero’s and villains, those who inspire us and those who drive us up the wall; the gay housewife is no exception to this, for you yourself should be a hero in others eyes, setting an example to the world of how to achieve and maintain perfect homosexual domesticity. When growing up we all had our role models and as we have got older they have grown with us. Many of the men and women below I have admired since they first appeard in the public conscious and others are more recent additions. I have also decided to add marital objects to this list as these are certain things we aspire to own or have committed our lives to destroying.
It was while watching my rather attractive Polish gardener, Fattieb, trimming my privot, that my good friends Pearl Latrine; the renowned designer, Tibby Boulét; artist and print maker, Lola Lamonde; Pulitzer winning writer and I came up the with following list of the Hero’s and Villains of not only the gay housewife, but all housewives the world over.
Hero's
Delia Smith - I am quite a fan of this lady. I have already recommended her books, but it is what she has done for food in the United Kingdom that I really admire her for. She picked up the gauntlet of good food from where the dearly departed Fanny Cradock left it. She has taught us to do everything from simply boiling an egg to preparing a middle-eastern feast for 20, and in the process netted herself millions and bought a football team. She is the Martha Stewart of the British lies, but without the scandal!
James Martin - Saturday Kitchen, BBC1 - Food Porn. Need I say more. (My American readers should got to the BBC’s rather good web site for more information)
Nigella Lawson – She has made cooking sexy again. Delia, bless her, is too much like your mum to make food truly sexy, but our Nigella is a bit of a treacle tart, never afraid to disguise her ample wrack and all those close up of her putting chocolate laden spoons into her mouth – need I say more.
Nigel Slater - He has turned food writing into a new form of pornography!
Bree Van De Kamp - While not real we can all aspire to her orderly house keeping, conservative yet exquisite decorating and remarkable collection twin sets. Recent research has shown she may own more twin sets than our own Queen Elizabeth.
Lynette Scavo - The only other Desperate house wife to make the cut. She manages a hectic life both at home and at work but still looks fabulous in a little black dress and once she gets rid of those kids I am sure her house will become a palace.
Ruth Fisher - Again, not real but her furious sense of order and rigorous tidying skills make her true idol of the housewife.
Fern Britain - Expertly filling Judy’s shoes to keep this morning the treat it is. N.b. please ignore any stylistic advice the program gives you unless you live in Hull.
Martha Stewart - Illicit share dealing aside - she brought the idea of the modern housewife to millions and made millions doing it. Truly a sister doing it for herself.
Edith Bowman - While she has no house keeping skills I know of, her radio show is the perfect thing to get you through a heavenly afternoon of ironing or preparing dinner for 20.
Demons
Anthea Turner - Has recently presented a program about how to be a perfect housewife - how - fucking – dare - she! And it’s on BBC3! Talk about career suicide!
Chavs - Does anyone really need to ware all that man made fiber?
Wheely shopping bags - Don't you have someone to do that for you?
Laurence Llewllyn Bowen - Has anyone done more harm to the queer cause without actually being gay? Not only has he ruined the idea of good interior decoration by making common people think they can have nice homes but he flounces around like the faggiest of fags. BBC - please stop this nonsense.
Graham Norton - Ruined many a young queers sense of style with his collection of vile suits and sets that looked like a branch of Habitat vomited in a television studio. Shame - he used to be funny.
Economy Lines in Supermarkets - Why eat cheese when you can have a lump of plastic for 20p less? And just because the product is cheap provides no excuse for poor product design.
Jamie Oliver - Aside from being a fat lipped mockney cunt, he's conned millions of crap cooks into believing they can easily prepare a fabulous meal for 10! I don't think so. Oh, and that wife of his – lips!
Ready meals - The is no excuse for subject you and your man to such cuisine. If you know you are not going to have time to cook, prepare something the night before or go to a fucking restaurant. There is no excuse for eating plastic food from plastic with plastic cutlery.
Economy Airlines - Yes, I wanted to use Luton Airport (shit shopping) and treated like Veal Calf on a Boeing 737 and covered in puke while drinking Vodka shots that come out of plastic sachets! And don’t even go into toilets unless you are shagging one of the many Chav’s who frequent these airlines. Please be a gentleman and use British Airways.
So boy’s there we have it; the hero’s and villains of the gay housewife. For easy reference I suggest printing this list and sticking it to the notice board in the kitchen. It will provide a constant source of inspiration and a cautionary restraint should you find yourself slipping from hero to villain. As ever I am always keen to hear what my readers think so if you have any further people, items or places you feel should be added to this list please get in touch via MySpaceor email. Until next time dear readers, happy homemaking.
Next Time: A brief History of Me!
Dear readers, something everyone has in their lives are hero’s and villains, those who inspire us and those who drive us up the wall; the gay housewife is no exception to this, for you yourself should be a hero in others eyes, setting an example to the world of how to achieve and maintain perfect homosexual domesticity. When growing up we all had our role models and as we have got older they have grown with us. Many of the men and women below I have admired since they first appeard in the public conscious and others are more recent additions. I have also decided to add marital objects to this list as these are certain things we aspire to own or have committed our lives to destroying.
It was while watching my rather attractive Polish gardener, Fattieb, trimming my privot, that my good friends Pearl Latrine; the renowned designer, Tibby Boulét; artist and print maker, Lola Lamonde; Pulitzer winning writer and I came up the with following list of the Hero’s and Villains of not only the gay housewife, but all housewives the world over.
Hero's
Delia Smith - I am quite a fan of this lady. I have already recommended her books, but it is what she has done for food in the United Kingdom that I really admire her for. She picked up the gauntlet of good food from where the dearly departed Fanny Cradock left it. She has taught us to do everything from simply boiling an egg to preparing a middle-eastern feast for 20, and in the process netted herself millions and bought a football team. She is the Martha Stewart of the British lies, but without the scandal!
James Martin - Saturday Kitchen, BBC1 - Food Porn. Need I say more. (My American readers should got to the BBC’s rather good web site for more information)
Nigella Lawson – She has made cooking sexy again. Delia, bless her, is too much like your mum to make food truly sexy, but our Nigella is a bit of a treacle tart, never afraid to disguise her ample wrack and all those close up of her putting chocolate laden spoons into her mouth – need I say more.
Nigel Slater - He has turned food writing into a new form of pornography!
Bree Van De Kamp - While not real we can all aspire to her orderly house keeping, conservative yet exquisite decorating and remarkable collection twin sets. Recent research has shown she may own more twin sets than our own Queen Elizabeth.
Lynette Scavo - The only other Desperate house wife to make the cut. She manages a hectic life both at home and at work but still looks fabulous in a little black dress and once she gets rid of those kids I am sure her house will become a palace.
Ruth Fisher - Again, not real but her furious sense of order and rigorous tidying skills make her true idol of the housewife.
Fern Britain - Expertly filling Judy’s shoes to keep this morning the treat it is. N.b. please ignore any stylistic advice the program gives you unless you live in Hull.
Martha Stewart - Illicit share dealing aside - she brought the idea of the modern housewife to millions and made millions doing it. Truly a sister doing it for herself.
Edith Bowman - While she has no house keeping skills I know of, her radio show is the perfect thing to get you through a heavenly afternoon of ironing or preparing dinner for 20.
Demons
Anthea Turner - Has recently presented a program about how to be a perfect housewife - how - fucking – dare - she! And it’s on BBC3! Talk about career suicide!
Chavs - Does anyone really need to ware all that man made fiber?
Wheely shopping bags - Don't you have someone to do that for you?
Laurence Llewllyn Bowen - Has anyone done more harm to the queer cause without actually being gay? Not only has he ruined the idea of good interior decoration by making common people think they can have nice homes but he flounces around like the faggiest of fags. BBC - please stop this nonsense.
Graham Norton - Ruined many a young queers sense of style with his collection of vile suits and sets that looked like a branch of Habitat vomited in a television studio. Shame - he used to be funny.
Economy Lines in Supermarkets - Why eat cheese when you can have a lump of plastic for 20p less? And just because the product is cheap provides no excuse for poor product design.
Jamie Oliver - Aside from being a fat lipped mockney cunt, he's conned millions of crap cooks into believing they can easily prepare a fabulous meal for 10! I don't think so. Oh, and that wife of his – lips!
Ready meals - The is no excuse for subject you and your man to such cuisine. If you know you are not going to have time to cook, prepare something the night before or go to a fucking restaurant. There is no excuse for eating plastic food from plastic with plastic cutlery.
Economy Airlines - Yes, I wanted to use Luton Airport (shit shopping) and treated like Veal Calf on a Boeing 737 and covered in puke while drinking Vodka shots that come out of plastic sachets! And don’t even go into toilets unless you are shagging one of the many Chav’s who frequent these airlines. Please be a gentleman and use British Airways.
So boy’s there we have it; the hero’s and villains of the gay housewife. For easy reference I suggest printing this list and sticking it to the notice board in the kitchen. It will provide a constant source of inspiration and a cautionary restraint should you find yourself slipping from hero to villain. As ever I am always keen to hear what my readers think so if you have any further people, items or places you feel should be added to this list please get in touch via MySpaceor email. Until next time dear readers, happy homemaking.
Next Time: A brief History of Me!
posted by Arthur Stewart at 3:06 pm
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