Manly Men

Greetings dear readers! Where have I been I hear you shout? Darlings I have been every where, if I wasn’t trying to keep the pro-gay wing of the Anglican church fighting fit, I was being courted by David Cameron to make the Tory’s more gay friendly! I’ve been in a pink haze but I am now safely back home with my darling husband and of course with you my dear readers. With such a long absence so much has happened, Shilpa V’s Goody, a sexy and black Democrat running for President, the gay Housewife’s favorite South African, the lovely Mr Tutu condemning the American Anglican church for its homophobia and John Amaechi, a former NBA pro, came out and most shockingly of all, nearly half of all Indian women have not heard of Aids! So naturally my topic of discussion this week is the gay man vs. his heterosexual counterpart

Us gay housewives, the good ones at least, tend to be of the Alpha male variety therefore, a large part of our work is showing our neighbors and friends how much better we are at, well, everything and making sure they never forget this, after all what is society about other than the survival of the fittest. The more dinner party’s I throw the clear it becomes to me that creationism is nothing more than fanciful religious nonsense; evolution is how we came to be. But that is by the by, we all have it within us to be merciless in achieving success; this is a norm in the world of business dominated by the Alpha male. But what of the world us gay housewives operate in, we have no account to land, no colleague to be promoted above, no sales target to meet. Surely all that is expected is a clean home, a satisfied man and the odd fabulous dinner party? After all, we are the softer of the sex are we not?

Well, no! Recently, in one of my weaker moments I was accused of being “poofy”. I saw red dear readers, why as a gay man when I show weakness am I suddenly demoted to being a bit poofy, rather than simply human? Equally, when I assert myself I suddenly become a bitch, not a strong self-assertive man! I was riled. As a gay man I am as strong as my heterosexual counter part, I just use different tools to fight my battles.

Like my female counter parts it is my age-honored rite to wage social warfare on my neighbors while maintaining the pretense of neighborly serenity. While our husbands and hetro counter parts will use Machiavellian charm and chauvinistic bullying to up their monthly bonus, we will employ similar techniques to ensure our summer garden party’s are the best attended, most discussed events of the season or similarly make sure the charity art sale Mr X from number 23 is holding is either a complete success or a resounding failure depending on how he’s conducted his affairs of late!

This suburban warfare is fought with strategy, skill and artillery any American general would be proud of, but because a gay housewife is a gentleman above all else, blood, sweat and profanity are not involved. Instead we use our gentlemanly cunning to plan our next move and counter attack, we fight with razor sharp parlance; our gears of war are not bullets but finely honed, razor sharp epithets. This form of warfare requires a man with a devious mind who is able to think at lightning pace to remain one step ahead of his enemy. To hone and master all these skills makes a formidable man so please don’t tell me the enjoyment of a bit of bum fun makes you any less of a man. It is all too easy for the heterosexual population to quell their fear and misunderstanding of us by diminishing us as men, but it is false and unfair and we should do more to fight this image of the gay man being a week man. Allowing ourselves to be seen in this way only makes it easier for us to be beaten down.

I fully consider myself a man, I may like it up the wrong end, I may appreciate fine floral arrangement, I may understand Brunhilda’s angst in the final act of the Ring Cycle, but this does not diminish me as a man. A fine cock and gentlemanly conduct I my opinion make a good man, gay or straight, and these are both things I own so those who wish to emasculate me may try, but in my heart I’ll be more of a man than they’ll ever be.


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Christian Concern for Sodomy

Dear Readers,
What an interesting time us queers had in Blighty last week. If Kylie coming down with a cold wasn’t enough, it seems only a day after posting the gay housewives views on sex an enormous media extravaganza kicked off over Sodomy and the equal provision of services for Gays! Yes, the government’s gone all pro gay again! As much as the Labor government has spent the past 9 years and 9 Months doing some very strange things such as appointing members of Opus Dei to high office, starting the odd war and selling schools to the highest bidding Church, Business or mad individual it has also made some good legislative progress for us Happy Homos. We now have an equal age of consent at 16, discrimination in the work place on a basis of sexual orientation is banned, civil partnerships for same sex couples are now enshrined into British law a la Elton & Dave, Matt & Kevin, Myself and my lovely Husband and Thatcher’s abhorrent Section 28 that banned the promotion of homosexuality by local authority and schools has been revoked. Yes, you can now hold a gay-knitting morning to raise funds for Terrance Higgins in a council property without the fear of arrest!

This week the next step in Labors pro-homo agenda came up for debate in the House of Lords. The government is planning a set of “Sexual Orientation Regulations” to bring equality to the provision of services to gay men and women. Recently a Scottish couple were denied a room in a B&B near Loch Lomond because the proprietor did not want “acts of sodomy” committed in his B&B, another couple were having building work done in their house and received an invoice addressed to “The Gays”, needless to say that wasn’t their second name. Worse still, another couple were trying to get quotes for building work on their home and a builder flatly refused to work for a gay couple and many religious organizations will not hire their venues to gay organizations. When the gay housewife struggles to add a conservatory to the eastern wing, find suitable holiday accommodation or secure a venue for a bake sale we are indeed in a very sorry state. And one has to ask, would the same builders or religious groups deny service to a black couple, a Muslim man or a single mother? No, they wouldn’t because it is socially unacceptable and they can’t because to so would be against the law.

However, passing legislation is never simple, especially when it comes to the House of Lords, which has not been the traditional friend of the Gay-Lord. However, this week the protests from within the Lords have been relatively muted, compared to those from outside. In a rare and touching moment of unity Christians, Jews and Muslims found the time to come together for some draconian gay bashing in the name of Faith. These groups, largely on the far right of their religions, not only want a clause exempting religious organizations, they want the whole thing struck. They believe the proposed legislation, already in act in Northern Ireland, would force them to choose between obedience to god or the state. This, to put it politely, is the mildest of their many and far ranging arguments; some say they would be forced to take gays into their organizations, schools would have to promote same-sex education and most perplexing of all, B&B’s would have to give a double to a transsexual couple! I can just see it now, a torrent of homosexual sodomy throughout the nations family run B&B’s! None of the above arguments are true, they are based on a campaign of lies, media speculation and misunderstanding of the law. However, it is touching to see all these faith based groups remain relatively quite about on going genocide and rape in Dafur, civil unrest in Somalia and outright slaughter in Assam, but flex their not inconsiderable media muscle the minute a bit of good old buggery comes along.

At the heart of this debate is the group “The Christian Concern for our Nation”, who organized a torch lit protest on 9th Jan when this legislation was being debated in the House of Lords. Their protest was met with dignified counter-protest from various gay groups but the whole thing made a rather grim spectacle. The heart of Christian Concern’s argument against equality for us comes from the Bible, and of course, the Old Testament. Yes, the homos friend Leviticus is rearing his ugly head once more. Leviticus 18:22 states: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable”, and latter day speculation has turned this to mean sodomy between two men as a sin, strangely it doesn’t say anything about heterosexual sodomy, which I can only assume is a perfectly acceptable act to perform in a Christian B&B.

While Leviticus quite sensibly points out shagging your father, and just about every other member of your family is a sin he advocates a myriad of other strange things that Christian Concern has been mysteriously quiet about. One presumes, in a pro-Leviticus B&B it is normal to not only own slaves but sell your daughter into slavery, one avoids wearing mixed cloths, because of course you would become unclean, and you should refrain from touching both your wife during her period and pig skin because they also make you unclean and of course cutting your hair in said establishment is a sin punishable by death. I don’t know about you, but I think Christian Concern have hit on something; a chain of pro-Leviticus B&B’s; imagine the fun you could have!

Puerile point scoring aside, Christian Concern would argue the world has moved on from the Old Testament, but moral guidance can still be found within it. However you can just as easily argue the modern world, by in large, is more tolerant of homosexuality, we have laws to protect those who are gay and entire societies and economy’s are based around the gay life style so, as we let go of slavery & stoning our unclean wives, maybe we should let go of Leviticus’ teachings on homosexuality.

Fellow gay housewife’s, I ask you to write to your MP’s urging them to support the legislation in full, without exceptions for religious organizations, and while you’re at it ask them to get rid of the old hobo who lurks outside Waitrose. If you don’t know who your MP is, or their address, go to www.writetothem.com and simply by entering your post code you can send an email to your MP! Modern technology – lovely isn’t it!

Love and equal provision of services to you all,
(m)Arthur
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Sex, Dirty Sex

Dear Homo Housewives,
Greetings, yet another week has past and now after what felt like such a slow start to 2007 things are moving again. I have been told we have something called Celebrity Big Brother to keep the slobs and heat magazine’s staff entertained for a few weeks, the circus of Westminster has dragged itself back from Miami, Kylies tour is nearly over and the sales are offering further reductions. Yes, this is a quiet time for the gay housewife, sales shopping done, husbands off to work, for those who have adopted, kids back to school, your friends partied out and everyone has joined a fucking gym so really what is there for the gay housewife to do but talk about sex?

Yes sex my dears. It is something I haven’t touched on, as it were, so far in my writings. Some would say sex is inappropriate to be discussed in polite company or by the gay housewife at all, but sadly those who seek to quash such bawdy talk have probably never had a proper orgasm, take Ann Widdecombe as your prime example. Others would say the gay housewife is a blushing, shy creature who would turn red at the very utterance of “COLT Slick Personal lubricant” and some would argue we are subservient creatures who ask for nothing and live only to serve our husbands demands. Well think again prissy bitches; we decorated the bedroom and we know how to run it!

After all, a gay housewife is a thoroughly modern man, we understand the world has moved on from the 1950’s, and we know pleasing our husband between the sheets is not the only thing we do in the bedroom; we are fully entitled to get what we want when we want it and without complaint. We are no possession of our husbands. Don’t get me wrong; the gay housewife doesn’t have to be an S&M master (unless he wants to be), just firm and persuasive in his desires. Simply put sex is too often see as a one way act where the top gets all his fun and the bottom is left to take care of matters largely by himself.

This inequality in the bedroom seems to be endemic of gay men at large. Before my husband, when having sexual encounters, it often felt like a struggle between me and the other gentleman for whose desires would be best met. Maybe this is because of the porn driven gay culture in which we now live were the top traditionally has all his fun at the expense of the bottom who seems to gain nothing from the experience other than the need for a soft cushion to sit on. Often porn is a young gay mans first experience of sex and it will understandably leave an impression. Due to this prevailing attitude possibly those who enjoy being a bottom are embarrassed to ask for more and the top simply assumes that is all he as to do.

I am speaking in broad terms here and naturally every relationship will have its own sexual dynamic, and this is something the gay housewife should be well aware of; tradition would suggest the housewife will be the more submissive bottom and the husband will be the more assertive top. From talking to my friends I would say this holds true only 50% of the time. The other 50% have husbands who like to be thrown down on a dirty kitchen floor and given a good seeing to. Being a master of the home and bedroom the gay housewife will ensure traditional expectations are brushed aside and a sexual democracy is created, though subtle persuasion and charm and failing this of course he will resort to bribery, extortion and threats. Remember, crossing your legs for a week is a great way to get what you want! Adhering to this method will ensure both partners in the relationship receive full sexual gratification, be it a bit of brown, foot fun, rubber balloons, plain normal fetish free sex or what ever lights your collective wicks so naturally your husband will go to work smiling and be the envy of all his colleagues.

This brings me to an important point. As men we know when another has had it the night before, and once more we know when he has had it good. Therefore perfection is important in this area in order to maintain the neighbors envy of you and of course ensure his gay colleagues envy him while wanting you and his straight colleagues start thinking about becoming friends with Dorothy. When you get a slew of unexpected attention at a work do of his or your annual Easter charity gala dinner you know you are succeeding in the bedroom! However, you also know this yourself when you feel fully satisfied, wonder if you have broken a law or can’t walk properly the following day, and gents, I say it again, getting what you want, what ever it is, is important. Your glow to the neighbors should say as much as his does about how much better your life is than theirs.

So there we have it for this week my dear readers; the gay housewife master of the home, master of the bedroom and master creating the perfect sex life to please yourselves and piss off the neighbors!

Love to All

(m)Arthur
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Premature Christmas Ejaculation

Dear All,
Well, where has your dear (m)Arthur been these past few months I hear you asking? And how did you manage to have the perfect homosexual Christmas without my valuable assistance? As you will all be aware Christmas is one of the busiest times of year for the gay housewife; with all the preparations for the big lunch, the buying of presents, the essential ski holiday (Beaver Creek in America this year, and yes it was lovely), the various Christmas consultant posts I hold and of course decorating ones own home for the occasion. With all the preparations, and of course writing the queens speech (and pod cast would you believe) for old Liz the time has hardly been available for me to but finger to key board to share with you my dears. Well, now Christmas and new year are behind us for another year I am back with you for 2007 or until my valuable attentions are needed else where!

However, before we move on any further into 2007, I feel, with Christmas now said and done, as gay housewife’s we should take a moment to reflect on how we did this Christmas, and what can be done to improve future festive gatherings. My dears, I have to say, my Christmas was fucking wonderful as usual, but what are years of practice for if not the ability to deliver perfect results every time. However, from what I have seen this year I would expect some of you to find room for improvement. For the majority of you out there I would suggest re-evaluating the following areas; decoration, present giving and receiving (some people are simply gift tops, some bottoms but few are versatile; they just can’t help it) and of course guest list – who do you invite to your various parties and who do you keep at an arms length.

Small social errors, however, are not the crux of my discussion this week, but Christmas itself dear gays. I feel we have become deeply confused over exactly what Christmas means to us. Don’t worry, I am not about to bemoan the downfall of a Christian society. Lets face it, take any religion, ancient and new; all have some form of event between 21st of December and 1st January, some old, some borrowed, some blue, but none of them new. We live in a secular society that I adore and support, but for the love of all that is good, what the fuck do I need to buy Christmas decorations in mid September for? The festive season has become a protracted four months of commercial torture designed to extract many a pink pound from your calf leather wallet.

Christmas, when stripped of all its perceived meaning is merely a large dinner party for the family at which you give presents. If you ignore the presents this is something we do many times a year. I may be a bloody brilliant housewife, and such an event takes me only an afternoons planning, but even an idiot from Hull could pull such a thing off badly with 2 days thought. And would said idiot or their family notice the shoddiness of the occasion? No, because they’ve been told to expect stress, tantrums, bad presents, ruined turkeys and financial trouble.

Marks and Spencer’s, even my darling Waitrose, in fact every food outlet, must bombard us with adverts for months in advance of the day, suggesting they are there to help us out at this stressful time of year should it all get a bit much and what’s more they’ll help us save that extra pound because its all so expensive! Well, where were they when I threw a masked ball for 200 people in a marquee in the garden and the caterers failed to make the distinction between virgin and extra virgin olive oil? No helping hand then. No, the media and mechanisms of commerce tell us we have failed, we lack benevolence to our fellow man and we can’t cope with the pressure before we have even planned the simplest of menus or bought the cheapest of gifts, all with the maleficent intention of whipping us up into a master card melting frenzy of sustained panicked buying to make us feel like more worth human beings. It doesn’t have to be this way my dears. As gays we have become good at ignoring what society tells us and had some reasonable success in creating our own counter culture, together we need to keep the premature ejaculation of Christmas all over our faces at an arms length in order to maintain some respectability and of course some sanity between the months of September and December. After all, as gay housewives we pull off equally stunning acts of entertainment regularly throughout the year, the only difference being we give gifts on this one occasion.

Gays, fats, poofs, lezzies, fems, trannies, trans, and freaks please join me in pledging to only begin giving Christmas the slightest thought once 1st December has arrived. Let no bow of holly deck your halls, no present darken the furthest recesses of your wardrobe and let no festive food fill your cupboard until 1st Dec. The Christmas can still be enjoyed in its full glory as the one event a year that pulls the family together for no other reason than you are a family, and for that exact reason you can merrily disband afterward the big day before killing each other! No mess, no tears and no caroling in September.



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Polish Builders





Dear All,
So long since we last spent any time together improving our homo-economic selves. Apologies to all. I have been ever so busy on a lecture tour of this nations finest universities educating younger homosexuals on how one can use the powers of homosexual domesticity to heal societies ills. I must say it was a very successful enterprise, with new homo home makers appearing the length and breadth of the country and sensibly moving to London or it’s nearest acceptable equivalent. Later this month I will be taking my message to Eastern Europe in the hope of bringing a little joy to our Slavic cousins.

For anyone who has ventured to Eastern Europe recently and Poland in particular you will have seen this is badly needed. Quite frankly I do not blame disaffected Poles for coming to this country, in fact I welcome them and this is what I want to discuss this week my dears; the gay housewife and immigration! Now don’t all go running away down the local dive bar at the mention of something that, on the surface, seems like it has no relevance to you, lacks any kind of glamour and of course has no sequins. I am sadly aware the words “political” and “gay” are rarely found together these days, but as I have said before, as well as being a creature of the home the gay housewife is also political creature. We can make our actions in the home positively affect the world for the greater good.

On a business trip to Poland about this time last year I was able to observe at first hand the election for President. The man who was leading in the poles and indeed won was a man call Lech Kaczynski. About a month before his brother, Jaroslaw, had led their party, Law and Justice, to victory in the parliamentary elections. Lech is famed for banning Gay Pride marches when Mayor of Warsaw and Jaroslaw for supporting a moves to ban abortion for victims of rape and incest and restoring the death penalty (all thankfully blocked). Together they lead Poland, the newest and largest EU member state and have become the driving force behind neo-conservatism in Europe. Accusations of corruption, bribery and scandal are a daily occurrence and they promote ambitious if not scary reform such as letting the church run the countries education program, vetting of the civil service for collaboration with the former soviet secret service, a government regulated national television service, removing the independence of the national bank and eventually turning Poland into “the Fourth Republic”. Sound familiar to anyone?

Historical comparisons aside, this remarkable double act’s policies are driving a new wave of homophobia through Eastern Europe from Krakow to Moscow. When dining in a street café in Warclaw (phonetically “Vrot-Slav”), Poland’s 5th largest city, 3 large men walked up to my dark skinned friend and I. They pointed at him, shouted “white pride”, pointed at me and shouted, “fag” and wondered off pleased with themselves. When talking to a gay British poet and writer, resident in Warsaw, he talked of the gay movement in Poland being driven underground because of fear created by the current political climate. There were posters saying, if the translation was accurate, “If elected I will ban Homosexuality”. Gay clubs were nearly impossible to find, and only when full did same sex couples feel safe enough to touch each other. As wealthy Anglo-Saxon westerners we were a great curiosity. All in all my experience was eye opening and frightening.

Those Poles who do not agree with their countries government or who do not feel safe because of their government I welcome to the UK. For many of us happy homo homemakers it is hard to imagine living under such threat, but for many of our fellow homo’s it’s very real. 99% of us were persecuted at school or by our flesh and blood in one way or another for being who we are and sought measures to escape that persecution, be it moving to an urban centre, changing school, changing job or totally changing our lives to be happy. Certain aspects of our lives have run parallel courses and while not saying us queers can understand the Poles better than anyone, we are well placed to empathize with their situation.

I believe we should publicly reject the tabloid frenzy of “Poles Stealing our Jobs” or “Immigrants sucking the system dry”. For a start it’s simply not true. When consumption of government services is compared with how much the individual contributes to the government on a per annum basis the average immigrant worker makes the government £600.00 while the average British worker in the same job costs the government £800.00. Also the immigrant community is prepared to do jobs we are simply not prepared to do because they have no choice. Who do we think packs our fresh trimmed asparagus that we happily buy at the supermarket, who cleans the toilets in our favorite bar, who unloads goods at Selfridges; immigrant workers, of which in the UK roughly 40% are Polish.

It is time the gay community politically re-activated itself both in terms of fighting for our rights and those of others. All it takes is a down turn in our economy and for life to become harder for a few years, like it did in Poland, and in 10 years time our socially democratic government, like Poland used to have, could be replaced with our very own Kaczynski brothers ready to reek havoc with society. Don’t believe the tabloid hype or the free papers, buy a few real newspapers, write letters to your MP, to newspapers, to the Kaczynski brothers. Inform yourself and make your self-heard. Dear readers, I like my two story 4 bedroom house in the suburbs in which I can have fabulous gay dinner parties without fear of persecution or having people shout “fag” or “white pride” at me and my friends as we eat out. As gay housewives lets try to educate a little to ensure we keep our hard fought civil liberties well into the future.

Love to All,
(m)Arthur
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Manners please, you’re at my table

Dear readers, welcome back to my world of perfect homosexual domesticity for all, that’s right, even the straights, because we are very inclusive here. Normal service has resumed after a political few weeks in these pages. As much as I believe in affirmative political action, we simply cannot further our cause without a perfectly laid table and exemplary etiquette. Those of you in the UK who don’t live in a whole in the ground, will have noticed the recent circus made by the media over a survey of the nations eating habits.

I can hardly say I am surprised by the results. We threw away any hope of maintaining a civilized society when the middle classes stopped dreaming of sending their daughters to Finishing Schools and resorted to ITV2 programs like “From Ladette to Lady” to learn proper etiquette. Now only the very rich attend these venerable institutions, which inevitably fail them because the rich have still not worked out nothing is more vulgar than being rich, charity not training can only solve that problem.

However, I digress. I hardly dare go to a restaurant these days for fear of being scolded by flying Lobster Bisque or witnessing some oaf land their chubby elbow in a red onion & stilton tart. Well, dear readers, on this rare occasion the papers are correct. As a nation we are lost in culinary obscurity. We have forgotten how to eat and enjoy the process, instead we fuel up in the most efficient manner possible, abandoning taste, texture, variety on the palate, the tension between flavors, aroma and of course the power a good glass of wine has to make or break a meal. I accept that there is not always time to prepare a full three course meal if one is heading out to, say the Opera, but to make a regular habit of dining on food from plastic wrappers bought only to fill the hole in your stomach and not enlighten your sole is sad way to live ones life, in fact you may as well pack up and fuck off to Hull or a nasty suburb somewhere with a KFC handy for your vile tastes! Dear readers, the gay housewife has no place for instant food.

In my previous columns regarding where it is acceptable for the gay House wife to both live and shop you will have noticed shops and areas fresh, organic, fairly traded produce are readily available have been championed. One shop that has not been mentioned but is often found in many a pleasant area is Marks and Spencer’s. This, my dear readers, is because I believe M&S is at the forefront of the nations failure to up hold its previously high standards in etiquette. For my dear readers further ashore than Britain and main-land Europe, it is hard to explain Marks and Spencer’s because it is less a shop and more a British institution gone wrong. It is best explained as a department store with a supermarket in the basement. And it is this basement supermarket I blame for our nations failure.

M&S have made it dangerously easy for us to convince ourselves we are eating quality food made conveniently available in attractive packaging. To take a look at the average menu from Marks and Spencer’s, you can buy steak, with ready prepared sauce for twice the price of your local organic butchers, you can buy ready-mashed potatoes for £3.20 and a ready prepared chocolate mouse for four times the cost of a bit sugar, eggs, cream and coco. All of this food tumbles out the microwave and on to the plate, and where do people eat it – ON THEIR SOFAS!! I know, I was disgusted to find this too. Had I been caught eating on a sofa at finishing school I would have been booted out with no hope of appeal. However, it is not just M&S who are to blame for this inexcusable drop in standards. Even my dear Waitroes is guilty of selling, I darkly write the word, ready-meals.

Gay Housewives of the world, your respective countries need you to save them from descending into culinary anarchy! Britains and Americans how did we get it so wrong and my dear Europeans how did you get it so rite? In Spain you have the siesta to sleep of lunch, in some parts of France you have the two hour lunch break, in Germany the staff canteen is full of epicurean delights, in Italy anything you eat sets a fire of excitement in your stomach and what do we have? Marks and Fucking Spencers!

We need to bring delight back to our tables, palate and noses and once more make eating a social occasion, not just a stop at the fuel pump of the stomach. If we all spent more time eating at an actual table, instead of off our knees people might know it is an offence to put your elbows on the table, chew loudly or with your fucking mouth open! Dear god the less educated may even learn the difference between a butter and a fish knife if we really try! But small steps first, Poof, Lezzies, Breeders, cook your man or woman a good meal tonight, eat it at the table, maybe try some advanced items of cutlery, keep your elbows of the table cloth and for god sake put your fork in your left hand! To motivate you in your quest I leave you with some rather terrifying statistics! Together, with gay homemaking we can save the world from slobbery!

Percentage of those Questioned Admitted to:
Holding fork in right hand 73% What did their mothers teach them?

Elbows on Table 67% Would they put their feet or buttocks on the table too?

Failing to remain at the table
while everyone is eating 67% Just plane rude

Eating Straight out of packaging 64% Common, probably from Hull

Talking with mouth full 36% We may be busy but there is enough time to both talk and chew

Using fingers to scoop up
last bits of food 34% Ever heard of bread?

Pointing at someone with knife/fork 27% Having never seen this happen I can only imagine the horror!

Burping at Table 25% Would they fart in public too?

Licking plate clean 24% Again, ever heard of bread

Blowing nose on napkin 20% Does no one have monogrammed handkerchiefs anymore?

Putting too much food in mouth 20% We’re people, not dogs

Forgetting to than host for meal 19% I would throw the offending cunt from polite society

Not knowing what cutlery to use 19% I wouldn’t dine at my table if I were in this position!

Throwing food at across table 8% Isn’t that what monkeys do?


Love to you all,
(m)Arthur

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A Small yet Insulting Follow-up
Dear readers, following my previous blog and complaint to the BBC, I have a little up date for you. In response to my comments on their negative use of gay stereotypes they chose to ignore my staggering intellect and explain what comedy is. In Response to my letter:

"I found your use of gay stereotypes in last night transmission of Extras deeply offensive. I do not believe such extreme stereotyping is required in this day and age. Gay men and woman take all shapes and forms but one thing they do not do is behave as they were portrayed in last night..s program.

We are not all flouncing panto dames, we perform a wide variety of roles through out society and often come across daily obstacles because of our sexual orientation. Portraying gay behaviour in a manner reminiscent of black peoples treatment at the hands of "the Black and White Minstrel Show" does nothing to help anyone, other than achieving a few easy, cheap and offensive gags.

I believe the BBC should be producing programming for all but this is not the case. Adoring to a recent survey by Stonewall the BBC is five times more likely to present a negative portrayal of a gay man or woman than any other channel and when ever a gay characters appear on the BBC he or she is most likely to be the butt of a joke and a deeply clichéd stereotype.

With all this in mind and when making future programming decisions you should consider the £192 million gay people contribute to the BBC each year and as a public broadcaster the duty you have to present a fair picture of the UK. If the BBC would like to make a formal apology for its appalling use of gay clichés it would be the start on a long road to making quality, inclusive programming."

I received this:

'Extras' is a comedy show which parodies some of the eccentricities of British society to an absurd degree. We appreciate that some viewers won't like the style of the programme but for others its appeal lies in its exhibition of bad taste. It relies on comic exaggeration and is highly satirical. The humour in the programme is largely uninhibited by some of the traditional taboos surrounding comedy but we encourage an awareness of the boundaries of acceptable taste.

Well, fuck me, while watching that episode I must of forgotten my lengthily and expensive education, my MA..s & PhD and common sense to not notice the premise on which the program works! And in regards to everything else I had to say; nothing. I..m not going to turn this column, intended to spread happiness and joy through out the homosexual word into my personal soap box, I just thought you might be interested to see how our national broadcasting organisation has adopted an ostrich like approach to answering disgruntled viewers queries!

Normal service will resume next time with the gay housewife..s indispensable guide to table manners!

Perfect Homosexual Domesticity to you all,
(m)Arthur
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