Umbrella Etiquette
Dear Readers, some of you may have noticed we are heading in to Autumn in the UK which unfortunately means a lot of rain. With rain comes many things such as ruined hair do’s, unsightly rain coats on poor people, Granny’s wearing those funny plastic things on their heads and of course Umbrellas.
While strolling down the street this morning on my way to the Local Organic Bakery to pick up some Olive Focaccia for lunch I had to run a Gauntlet of terror! Yes, dear readers, Londoners seem to forget all their manners the minute it begins to rain and whip out their umbrellas faster than Posh and Beck’s posing for yet another photograph. I nearly had my eye gouged out several times by the prong of many a cheap umbrella hastily purchased from Boots. This could be because I am of course the perfect 6’ 2” male therefore my eye level tends to be above that of the plebs. However, it could also be my heritage, you see dears I was born in Scotland where rain is a permanent fixture of life so I tend to not notice when a few drops fall from the sky, unlike the hordes who try to take my eyes out the minute they feel their internal barometer tripping the scales.
To save you my dears from becoming one of these umbrella-toting hooligans I offer the following guidance for when it rains:
- Why are you somewhere it is raining? Surely one should only spend May through to September in the UK, fleeing to warmer climbs for the winter months. If you have to live here all year round have a word with your husband about freeing up some assets to purchase some property in the sun.
- Obviously you won’t be using public transport, so make sure you drive, or are driven, between covered areas only.
- Have someone carry your umbrella for you, at least then you won’t be responsible for forking out someone’s eye.
- Stay in Selfridges / Harvey Nicks / Harrods / Waitrose (delete as appropriate) until it stops raining.
- Carry some hand painted bamboo chopsticks for poking the eyes of the bastards who skewer you with their umbrellas. You may as well get some finely accessorized revenge.
So my dears, please follow this advice and stop yourselves from becoming animals with umbrellas! Love and dryness to you all!
Love to you all
Arthur
x
Say hello at MySpace or email me.
Dear Readers, some of you may have noticed we are heading in to Autumn in the UK which unfortunately means a lot of rain. With rain comes many things such as ruined hair do’s, unsightly rain coats on poor people, Granny’s wearing those funny plastic things on their heads and of course Umbrellas.
While strolling down the street this morning on my way to the Local Organic Bakery to pick up some Olive Focaccia for lunch I had to run a Gauntlet of terror! Yes, dear readers, Londoners seem to forget all their manners the minute it begins to rain and whip out their umbrellas faster than Posh and Beck’s posing for yet another photograph. I nearly had my eye gouged out several times by the prong of many a cheap umbrella hastily purchased from Boots. This could be because I am of course the perfect 6’ 2” male therefore my eye level tends to be above that of the plebs. However, it could also be my heritage, you see dears I was born in Scotland where rain is a permanent fixture of life so I tend to not notice when a few drops fall from the sky, unlike the hordes who try to take my eyes out the minute they feel their internal barometer tripping the scales.
To save you my dears from becoming one of these umbrella-toting hooligans I offer the following guidance for when it rains:
- Why are you somewhere it is raining? Surely one should only spend May through to September in the UK, fleeing to warmer climbs for the winter months. If you have to live here all year round have a word with your husband about freeing up some assets to purchase some property in the sun.
- Obviously you won’t be using public transport, so make sure you drive, or are driven, between covered areas only.
- Have someone carry your umbrella for you, at least then you won’t be responsible for forking out someone’s eye.
- Stay in Selfridges / Harvey Nicks / Harrods / Waitrose (delete as appropriate) until it stops raining.
- Carry some hand painted bamboo chopsticks for poking the eyes of the bastards who skewer you with their umbrellas. You may as well get some finely accessorized revenge.
So my dears, please follow this advice and stop yourselves from becoming animals with umbrellas! Love and dryness to you all!
Love to you all
Arthur
x
Say hello at MySpace or email me.
posted by Arthur Stewart at 4:29 PM
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