Location, Location, Location
Greetings gentle reader. Firstly, apologies for being so late in publishing this week; I have been on holiday but my return has been continually delayed by faux terror threats and diverted aircraft. Now I have safely returned from my little break to a friends Scottish Castle it is time to move onwards with this guide.

This week I would like to focus on where to locate your perfect gay home. This is one of the most important decisions you and your partner can make for it will effect your social network, access to important supplies and of course where you make your home says a great deal about you. Making an error here can be one of the most costly mistakes your queer cheque book can make for the cost of buying and establishing the perfect house hold is only limited by your imagination. To only find two years later you have set up home near a Chav hot spot, such as Ashford, would not only be heart breaking but costly to rectify.

Now, lets start with the big picture. First one must chose a city. The countryside is only for secondary residences; what are you going to do when the nearest jar of quince jelly is 100 miles away, you’ve run out and your guests are fast approaching your front door? Face social shame? No; you live in a fucking city. Got it? Good. Now here in the UK there are 5 permissible cities for the gay housewife to create his home in. In order of acceptability they are: London (of course), Glasgow, Edinburgh, Manchester and Birmingham. That latter only makes the list due to the recent addition of a Selfridges and redevelopment of the city centre and if it all gets too much it is only two hours from London. Manchester rates so poorly because, bizarrely, it is too gay! You see my dears, the gay housewife is not a creature who lives solely to serve his sexuality’s stereotypes. While I have to admit homemaking is a stereotypically poofy activity, they gay housewife is above all a gentleman of class and taste who happens to take it up the bum; he is not a flouncing ninny, mincing down Old Compton or Canal Street, smothered in orange perma-tan, lisping into his bejeweled mobile phone dragging a rat-like lap dog in a Louis Viton “dog” bag in his wake. Men of this disposition should be treated with suspicion because they usually have poor house keeping skills due to spending all their waking hours with a fiver up their nose and a cock up their arse.

Anyway, moving on, should you need or simply want to live abroad the following are currently acceptable: Paris, Madrid, Berlin, Rome, Stockholm, Moscow, Istanbul, Bombay (or Mumbai), Tokyo, Taipei, Melbourne, Vancouver, Rio, Buenos Aires, Chicago and of course New York. Beirut had just made the list in recent months for it only to be removed this July because it simply is not safe to make your home there any more. This saddens me and I hope for the situation to be peacefully resolved soon. All of these cities have made the list due to the excellent choice of real estate, the vast range of products and services the gay housewife requires are well catered for and they are all cultural hubs for their regions. Plus the local populaces are generally quite tolerant of a polite homosexual or two. Finally it should not be forgotten all of the above are also ideal locations for second homes or shopping and cultural breaks.
I am currently investigating Buenos Aries as a location for a suitable second home in which William, my husband, and myself can hide away from the British winter, I hope to close a deal on a darling little house on the sea front in the next few weeks.

Now, back to the UK. Once you have selected a city in which to set up home it is important to chose a suitable location within that city. Sadly dear readers there simply isn’t time for me to go through all the desirable districts of all the cities mentioned here so to help you with you decision making here are some simple tests to perform on any perspective area:
• Waitrose Test: If there is not a Waitrose within 3 miles of easy driving from where you are thinking of buying for the love of all that is good DON’T BUY. A similar principal can also be applied to the proximity of a John Lewis or Habitat. For my dear American readers, I would think about how close you would be to, say Bloomingdales or its nearest equivalent.
• Leaf Test: Although not the most reliable test, the more leafy and green your area is the better it will be.
• Emergency Deli Test: How long does it take to you get to the nearest deli? Any longer than 20 minutes is totally unacceptable.
• Post Code test: This really only applys to the UK, but the fewer letters and lower the numbers the better you are doing.
• City Centre to City Limits Test: Calculate the mileage form your perspective abode to city centre and city limits. If the Mileage to the city limits is lower than that to the city centre look again.
• Chav-alanch Test: One does not want to live near a hot bed of chavs therefore, drive a Burberry Print Vauxhall Nova down the local high street, if more people look on admiringly than spit at it keep looking.
• If you see signs saying “NO DSS” in estate agents windows, the area is not for you.

Following these simple rules can make a huge difference to how happy you and your partner are in your new home. However, it should be noted these test are by no means comprehensive. It is important not to forget, in choosing where to locate your perfect poofy home one of the most decisive factors are your own fine homosexual homemaking instincts; at all times trust in these to guide you through this process and you will land on your feet.

So there we have it my dears, a basic and brief guide to locating your perfect homosexualist home. If you have any questions or comments on how to find the perfect home please get in touch via MySpace or email. I love to hear what you think. Until next time; homosexual happiness to you all.

Next time: How to find a Husband!