Christian Concern for Sodomy

Dear Readers,
What an interesting time us queers had in Blighty last week. If Kylie coming down with a cold wasn’t enough, it seems only a day after posting the gay housewives views on sex an enormous media extravaganza kicked off over Sodomy and the equal provision of services for Gays! Yes, the government’s gone all pro gay again! As much as the Labor government has spent the past 9 years and 9 Months doing some very strange things such as appointing members of Opus Dei to high office, starting the odd war and selling schools to the highest bidding Church, Business or mad individual it has also made some good legislative progress for us Happy Homos. We now have an equal age of consent at 16, discrimination in the work place on a basis of sexual orientation is banned, civil partnerships for same sex couples are now enshrined into British law a la Elton & Dave, Matt & Kevin, Myself and my lovely Husband and Thatcher’s abhorrent Section 28 that banned the promotion of homosexuality by local authority and schools has been revoked. Yes, you can now hold a gay-knitting morning to raise funds for Terrance Higgins in a council property without the fear of arrest!

This week the next step in Labors pro-homo agenda came up for debate in the House of Lords. The government is planning a set of “Sexual Orientation Regulations” to bring equality to the provision of services to gay men and women. Recently a Scottish couple were denied a room in a B&B near Loch Lomond because the proprietor did not want “acts of sodomy” committed in his B&B, another couple were having building work done in their house and received an invoice addressed to “The Gays”, needless to say that wasn’t their second name. Worse still, another couple were trying to get quotes for building work on their home and a builder flatly refused to work for a gay couple and many religious organizations will not hire their venues to gay organizations. When the gay housewife struggles to add a conservatory to the eastern wing, find suitable holiday accommodation or secure a venue for a bake sale we are indeed in a very sorry state. And one has to ask, would the same builders or religious groups deny service to a black couple, a Muslim man or a single mother? No, they wouldn’t because it is socially unacceptable and they can’t because to so would be against the law.

However, passing legislation is never simple, especially when it comes to the House of Lords, which has not been the traditional friend of the Gay-Lord. However, this week the protests from within the Lords have been relatively muted, compared to those from outside. In a rare and touching moment of unity Christians, Jews and Muslims found the time to come together for some draconian gay bashing in the name of Faith. These groups, largely on the far right of their religions, not only want a clause exempting religious organizations, they want the whole thing struck. They believe the proposed legislation, already in act in Northern Ireland, would force them to choose between obedience to god or the state. This, to put it politely, is the mildest of their many and far ranging arguments; some say they would be forced to take gays into their organizations, schools would have to promote same-sex education and most perplexing of all, B&B’s would have to give a double to a transsexual couple! I can just see it now, a torrent of homosexual sodomy throughout the nations family run B&B’s! None of the above arguments are true, they are based on a campaign of lies, media speculation and misunderstanding of the law. However, it is touching to see all these faith based groups remain relatively quite about on going genocide and rape in Dafur, civil unrest in Somalia and outright slaughter in Assam, but flex their not inconsiderable media muscle the minute a bit of good old buggery comes along.

At the heart of this debate is the group “The Christian Concern for our Nation”, who organized a torch lit protest on 9th Jan when this legislation was being debated in the House of Lords. Their protest was met with dignified counter-protest from various gay groups but the whole thing made a rather grim spectacle. The heart of Christian Concern’s argument against equality for us comes from the Bible, and of course, the Old Testament. Yes, the homos friend Leviticus is rearing his ugly head once more. Leviticus 18:22 states: “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable”, and latter day speculation has turned this to mean sodomy between two men as a sin, strangely it doesn’t say anything about heterosexual sodomy, which I can only assume is a perfectly acceptable act to perform in a Christian B&B.

While Leviticus quite sensibly points out shagging your father, and just about every other member of your family is a sin he advocates a myriad of other strange things that Christian Concern has been mysteriously quiet about. One presumes, in a pro-Leviticus B&B it is normal to not only own slaves but sell your daughter into slavery, one avoids wearing mixed cloths, because of course you would become unclean, and you should refrain from touching both your wife during her period and pig skin because they also make you unclean and of course cutting your hair in said establishment is a sin punishable by death. I don’t know about you, but I think Christian Concern have hit on something; a chain of pro-Leviticus B&B’s; imagine the fun you could have!

Puerile point scoring aside, Christian Concern would argue the world has moved on from the Old Testament, but moral guidance can still be found within it. However you can just as easily argue the modern world, by in large, is more tolerant of homosexuality, we have laws to protect those who are gay and entire societies and economy’s are based around the gay life style so, as we let go of slavery & stoning our unclean wives, maybe we should let go of Leviticus’ teachings on homosexuality.

Fellow gay housewife’s, I ask you to write to your MP’s urging them to support the legislation in full, without exceptions for religious organizations, and while you’re at it ask them to get rid of the old hobo who lurks outside Waitrose. If you don’t know who your MP is, or their address, go to www.writetothem.com and simply by entering your post code you can send an email to your MP! Modern technology – lovely isn’t it!

Love and equal provision of services to you all,
(m)Arthur
x

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Sex, Dirty Sex

Dear Homo Housewives,
Greetings, yet another week has past and now after what felt like such a slow start to 2007 things are moving again. I have been told we have something called Celebrity Big Brother to keep the slobs and heat magazine’s staff entertained for a few weeks, the circus of Westminster has dragged itself back from Miami, Kylies tour is nearly over and the sales are offering further reductions. Yes, this is a quiet time for the gay housewife, sales shopping done, husbands off to work, for those who have adopted, kids back to school, your friends partied out and everyone has joined a fucking gym so really what is there for the gay housewife to do but talk about sex?

Yes sex my dears. It is something I haven’t touched on, as it were, so far in my writings. Some would say sex is inappropriate to be discussed in polite company or by the gay housewife at all, but sadly those who seek to quash such bawdy talk have probably never had a proper orgasm, take Ann Widdecombe as your prime example. Others would say the gay housewife is a blushing, shy creature who would turn red at the very utterance of “COLT Slick Personal lubricant” and some would argue we are subservient creatures who ask for nothing and live only to serve our husbands demands. Well think again prissy bitches; we decorated the bedroom and we know how to run it!

After all, a gay housewife is a thoroughly modern man, we understand the world has moved on from the 1950’s, and we know pleasing our husband between the sheets is not the only thing we do in the bedroom; we are fully entitled to get what we want when we want it and without complaint. We are no possession of our husbands. Don’t get me wrong; the gay housewife doesn’t have to be an S&M master (unless he wants to be), just firm and persuasive in his desires. Simply put sex is too often see as a one way act where the top gets all his fun and the bottom is left to take care of matters largely by himself.

This inequality in the bedroom seems to be endemic of gay men at large. Before my husband, when having sexual encounters, it often felt like a struggle between me and the other gentleman for whose desires would be best met. Maybe this is because of the porn driven gay culture in which we now live were the top traditionally has all his fun at the expense of the bottom who seems to gain nothing from the experience other than the need for a soft cushion to sit on. Often porn is a young gay mans first experience of sex and it will understandably leave an impression. Due to this prevailing attitude possibly those who enjoy being a bottom are embarrassed to ask for more and the top simply assumes that is all he as to do.

I am speaking in broad terms here and naturally every relationship will have its own sexual dynamic, and this is something the gay housewife should be well aware of; tradition would suggest the housewife will be the more submissive bottom and the husband will be the more assertive top. From talking to my friends I would say this holds true only 50% of the time. The other 50% have husbands who like to be thrown down on a dirty kitchen floor and given a good seeing to. Being a master of the home and bedroom the gay housewife will ensure traditional expectations are brushed aside and a sexual democracy is created, though subtle persuasion and charm and failing this of course he will resort to bribery, extortion and threats. Remember, crossing your legs for a week is a great way to get what you want! Adhering to this method will ensure both partners in the relationship receive full sexual gratification, be it a bit of brown, foot fun, rubber balloons, plain normal fetish free sex or what ever lights your collective wicks so naturally your husband will go to work smiling and be the envy of all his colleagues.

This brings me to an important point. As men we know when another has had it the night before, and once more we know when he has had it good. Therefore perfection is important in this area in order to maintain the neighbors envy of you and of course ensure his gay colleagues envy him while wanting you and his straight colleagues start thinking about becoming friends with Dorothy. When you get a slew of unexpected attention at a work do of his or your annual Easter charity gala dinner you know you are succeeding in the bedroom! However, you also know this yourself when you feel fully satisfied, wonder if you have broken a law or can’t walk properly the following day, and gents, I say it again, getting what you want, what ever it is, is important. Your glow to the neighbors should say as much as his does about how much better your life is than theirs.

So there we have it for this week my dear readers; the gay housewife master of the home, master of the bedroom and master creating the perfect sex life to please yourselves and piss off the neighbors!

Love to All

(m)Arthur
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Premature Christmas Ejaculation

Dear All,
Well, where has your dear (m)Arthur been these past few months I hear you asking? And how did you manage to have the perfect homosexual Christmas without my valuable assistance? As you will all be aware Christmas is one of the busiest times of year for the gay housewife; with all the preparations for the big lunch, the buying of presents, the essential ski holiday (Beaver Creek in America this year, and yes it was lovely), the various Christmas consultant posts I hold and of course decorating ones own home for the occasion. With all the preparations, and of course writing the queens speech (and pod cast would you believe) for old Liz the time has hardly been available for me to but finger to key board to share with you my dears. Well, now Christmas and new year are behind us for another year I am back with you for 2007 or until my valuable attentions are needed else where!

However, before we move on any further into 2007, I feel, with Christmas now said and done, as gay housewife’s we should take a moment to reflect on how we did this Christmas, and what can be done to improve future festive gatherings. My dears, I have to say, my Christmas was fucking wonderful as usual, but what are years of practice for if not the ability to deliver perfect results every time. However, from what I have seen this year I would expect some of you to find room for improvement. For the majority of you out there I would suggest re-evaluating the following areas; decoration, present giving and receiving (some people are simply gift tops, some bottoms but few are versatile; they just can’t help it) and of course guest list – who do you invite to your various parties and who do you keep at an arms length.

Small social errors, however, are not the crux of my discussion this week, but Christmas itself dear gays. I feel we have become deeply confused over exactly what Christmas means to us. Don’t worry, I am not about to bemoan the downfall of a Christian society. Lets face it, take any religion, ancient and new; all have some form of event between 21st of December and 1st January, some old, some borrowed, some blue, but none of them new. We live in a secular society that I adore and support, but for the love of all that is good, what the fuck do I need to buy Christmas decorations in mid September for? The festive season has become a protracted four months of commercial torture designed to extract many a pink pound from your calf leather wallet.

Christmas, when stripped of all its perceived meaning is merely a large dinner party for the family at which you give presents. If you ignore the presents this is something we do many times a year. I may be a bloody brilliant housewife, and such an event takes me only an afternoons planning, but even an idiot from Hull could pull such a thing off badly with 2 days thought. And would said idiot or their family notice the shoddiness of the occasion? No, because they’ve been told to expect stress, tantrums, bad presents, ruined turkeys and financial trouble.

Marks and Spencer’s, even my darling Waitrose, in fact every food outlet, must bombard us with adverts for months in advance of the day, suggesting they are there to help us out at this stressful time of year should it all get a bit much and what’s more they’ll help us save that extra pound because its all so expensive! Well, where were they when I threw a masked ball for 200 people in a marquee in the garden and the caterers failed to make the distinction between virgin and extra virgin olive oil? No helping hand then. No, the media and mechanisms of commerce tell us we have failed, we lack benevolence to our fellow man and we can’t cope with the pressure before we have even planned the simplest of menus or bought the cheapest of gifts, all with the maleficent intention of whipping us up into a master card melting frenzy of sustained panicked buying to make us feel like more worth human beings. It doesn’t have to be this way my dears. As gays we have become good at ignoring what society tells us and had some reasonable success in creating our own counter culture, together we need to keep the premature ejaculation of Christmas all over our faces at an arms length in order to maintain some respectability and of course some sanity between the months of September and December. After all, as gay housewives we pull off equally stunning acts of entertainment regularly throughout the year, the only difference being we give gifts on this one occasion.

Gays, fats, poofs, lezzies, fems, trannies, trans, and freaks please join me in pledging to only begin giving Christmas the slightest thought once 1st December has arrived. Let no bow of holly deck your halls, no present darken the furthest recesses of your wardrobe and let no festive food fill your cupboard until 1st Dec. The Christmas can still be enjoyed in its full glory as the one event a year that pulls the family together for no other reason than you are a family, and for that exact reason you can merrily disband afterward the big day before killing each other! No mess, no tears and no caroling in September.



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